It has taken me most of my life to figure out why the only Christmas carol I really enjoy is Little Drummer Boy. I always have connected emotionally to it, and it still can bring me to tears. Deep within my own fears and skewed beliefs about myself, I find comfort and joy in the last few lines of the song.
Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.
Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?
Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.
If I were the little drummer boy, my song would sound different. In the face of others who gave impressive gifts of gold or spices, any gift I have would seem too small and insignificant. What could I offer a baby king, the baby King. So I would turn around and go home, in my inability to be worth enough, give enough, be enough for Him to take pleasure and joy in me. Deep within I would be crushed, but would let the world see only a grim acceptance that I need to try harder, do more or get something worth giving. And it is in my insecurity, my self-doubt, my self-abuse, that the song cuts me to the core. I remember hearing it growing up, and thinking how much God would love me if my best was good enough for Him, that He would see my effort and somehow reward it with success. Equating what I did to what made me worthy.
Not until recently have I begun accepting what I know to be God's view of my life. That my value to Him is not restricted by what I do but by what He has done, that my success or failure is not what defines my worth. God doesn't smile at me because I play perfectly. Or because I sound beautiful, or perform well, or entertain Him. God smiles at me because of who I am. It is not because I play well, it is because I play. He takes joy in watching His creation enjoy life, in watching me.
I take pride in being the little drummer boy, that the noise I create is enjoyed by my Savior regardless of how "good" it sounds. And because of that, I play my heart out for Him, I am willing to bare my soul and give Him whatever I can because that is what He desires. His joy gives me strength to give Him more joy. I love feeling my God smile at me.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Tension
In the middle.
Caught, aware, of the puzzle that I am in,
Where I go,
defining not just what I do, but who I am.
Do I rely on my intellect,
My strength, determination, work,
My compulsive desire to know
What is before me, what to do, end results,
Left in the tension of faith, risk and peace.
Pulling from every side, dynamic, change,
Reality calls me to set aside my dreams,
Visions of grandeur suppressed, depressed,
Pulled back down to earth by the process.
Not knowing leads to not deciding,
Not deciding leads to remaining,
Remaining leads to defeat,
Defeat leads to my knees in prayer,
Prayer leads me to hope, to dream,
Dreams lead me to desire vision,
Desire leads to stillness, quiet,
Quiet leads me to not knowing.
Endless cycle of interwoven emotion,
Cascading over me, driving me, pulling me.
To risk more than me, more than my future,
Leaves a fear of failure, doubt, self-doubt.
If I cannot continue, where do I go?
Down, up, left, right, forward, backward.
A blank slate, clear of obstacles,
Becomes an obstacle in itself.
Without goals, why go anywhere?
But looking for goals leads back to me,
My deepest core of my being is ... what?
Who am I beneath the layers of chaos,
Created to keep me afloat, stay "normal",
Layers of hiding, unsure of what lies below,
After living to please, to fit in,
What remains to seek, to hope?
Is my desire from one of my layers,
From one of my masks I wear to exist?
Is it from that core that I don't know,
Cannot remember, only hope to see?
Grace is forgiving, but doesn't pay much,
Faith cannot sign my paycheck.
Or can it, can I live in the moment?
Forgetting about my insecurities,
My frailty, my doubt, my disbelief,
For long enough to acknowledge,
The One who called me into being,
His strength, His peace, His safety.
In my failing, He is holy,
In my doubt, He is proven,
In my sin, He is forgiveness,
In my shame, He is grace,
In my anger, He is peace,
In my disbelief, He is truth.
Where did I let myself, make myself,
Become what I needed to "survive",
To exist, to stay enough ahead,
To get through the day, week, year.
When He calls for more, calls for greater,
Reality is what He sees,
Not what I adjust myself to.
My cynicism, "realism",
Just exposes my lack of,
Need for His Truth, direction.
He sees me as greater,
He sees me as perfect,
He sees me as holy,
He sees me as righteous,
He sees me as free,
He sees me covered by blood,
Shed for my sin, my shame, my doubt,
That when I cannot see,
He sees what He created,
And He enjoys me.
In the tension, in the process,
He is.
Caught, aware, of the puzzle that I am in,
Where I go,
defining not just what I do, but who I am.
Do I rely on my intellect,
My strength, determination, work,
My compulsive desire to know
What is before me, what to do, end results,
Left in the tension of faith, risk and peace.
Pulling from every side, dynamic, change,
Reality calls me to set aside my dreams,
Visions of grandeur suppressed, depressed,
Pulled back down to earth by the process.
Not knowing leads to not deciding,
Not deciding leads to remaining,
Remaining leads to defeat,
Defeat leads to my knees in prayer,
Prayer leads me to hope, to dream,
Dreams lead me to desire vision,
Desire leads to stillness, quiet,
Quiet leads me to not knowing.
Endless cycle of interwoven emotion,
Cascading over me, driving me, pulling me.
To risk more than me, more than my future,
Leaves a fear of failure, doubt, self-doubt.
If I cannot continue, where do I go?
Down, up, left, right, forward, backward.
A blank slate, clear of obstacles,
Becomes an obstacle in itself.
Without goals, why go anywhere?
But looking for goals leads back to me,
My deepest core of my being is ... what?
Who am I beneath the layers of chaos,
Created to keep me afloat, stay "normal",
Layers of hiding, unsure of what lies below,
After living to please, to fit in,
What remains to seek, to hope?
Is my desire from one of my layers,
From one of my masks I wear to exist?
Is it from that core that I don't know,
Cannot remember, only hope to see?
Grace is forgiving, but doesn't pay much,
Faith cannot sign my paycheck.
Or can it, can I live in the moment?
Forgetting about my insecurities,
My frailty, my doubt, my disbelief,
For long enough to acknowledge,
The One who called me into being,
His strength, His peace, His safety.
In my failing, He is holy,
In my doubt, He is proven,
In my sin, He is forgiveness,
In my shame, He is grace,
In my anger, He is peace,
In my disbelief, He is truth.
Where did I let myself, make myself,
Become what I needed to "survive",
To exist, to stay enough ahead,
To get through the day, week, year.
When He calls for more, calls for greater,
Reality is what He sees,
Not what I adjust myself to.
My cynicism, "realism",
Just exposes my lack of,
Need for His Truth, direction.
He sees me as greater,
He sees me as perfect,
He sees me as holy,
He sees me as righteous,
He sees me as free,
He sees me covered by blood,
Shed for my sin, my shame, my doubt,
That when I cannot see,
He sees what He created,
And He enjoys me.
In the tension, in the process,
He is.
Monday, November 10, 2008
On Worship
Last night was a profound experience. Mike and the worship team did a fantastic job leading us into the throne room of God. There have been a few times when I have opened my heart in worship and last night was one of them.
The flip side of that incredible time was my trying to follow it. It is exceptionally disconcerting to have to jump up and be speaking after such a moving worship time. There is no way to transition into whatever I am saying. So I just have to start talking.
Mike (and all of the team), thank you so much for doing what you do, week in and week out. You spend your time and energy (and talent) to give us an avenue to connect with God in ways that we often don't get to. I am honored to be the follow up act to that, and indeed feel insufficient and inadequate. You guys take all my energy and let me channel it into worship. It is a joy to work with all of you.
The flip side of that incredible time was my trying to follow it. It is exceptionally disconcerting to have to jump up and be speaking after such a moving worship time. There is no way to transition into whatever I am saying. So I just have to start talking.
Mike (and all of the team), thank you so much for doing what you do, week in and week out. You spend your time and energy (and talent) to give us an avenue to connect with God in ways that we often don't get to. I am honored to be the follow up act to that, and indeed feel insufficient and inadequate. You guys take all my energy and let me channel it into worship. It is a joy to work with all of you.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
My Cerilene
I am really not a music person. I like to listen to music, it helps me relax or focus (depending on my mood), it lets me feel emotion without thinking about anything in particular. There are a few songs that I would consider extremely emotional. "Little Drummer Boy" heads that list, I cannot sing that song without wanting to cry. But also on that list is "Cerilene" by Sister Hazel. Here are the lyrics:
On final approach my brother and I, we were so sureKnew exactly the plans we'd made and what we were here for
Didn't have a care in the world, got by day by day
Struggled with the plans we'd made who was I anyway
Workin' on both night and day, in a famous rock and roll cafe
Never thought I'd meet a girl for me
Never thought I'd meet a girl called Cerilene
Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams
Walked along the beach there hand in hand, it felt like a dream
But things that felt so good were never real or so it seemed
The magic that this girl possessed
Changed the heart of a child to a man (to a man)
Through the warmth of love his dreams and drive had direction again
A girl who strongly believes in me, and visions that we both could see
As one of my dreams, it came to an end
My life and love felt whole again
(Chorus)
I've grown to love this family, my friends
And this woman that I've found
Just as much as the family I left in a small, small Southern town
On a day the island breezes brought my loved ones here with me
We made our families one, I love you, oh I love you Cerilene
Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams
Cerilene, share my life with me, on this island oh, fulfill my dreams
Cerilene, oh Cerilene
Cerilene, (share my life, share my life with me)
Oh Cerilene
To M, my Cerilene: my greatest achievment, my crowning success is that I was smart enough to see you and man enough to get you. When you need me, I will be there, when life is dark, we will sit in the dark together, and when the road becomes smooth and easy, we will enjoy it together.
Monday, October 6, 2008
U-turn
Well, I have hit the wall. Yay. I have got the whole thing sorted out. Except that at this moment I am kinda forcing John 1 to flow. It just isn't working for me. So I am scrapping that. No more teaching from John. I am going to do Ezekiel. It has been on my heart for six years now. I need to do Z. So here we go.
(Why is it so hard to let God use me? I know He wants me to do this at some point, so why did I instantly want to go all philosophical and do some stuff that doesn't impact my heart as much? I love John 1 alot, and raising Lazarus, and some other stuff but it isn't me. My wife is right. I gotta teach from Z.)
(Why is it so hard to let God use me? I know He wants me to do this at some point, so why did I instantly want to go all philosophical and do some stuff that doesn't impact my heart as much? I love John 1 alot, and raising Lazarus, and some other stuff but it isn't me. My wife is right. I gotta teach from Z.)
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Pacing
I spent 10 minutes pacing last night (while waiting for my wife) trying to sort out how to start the first message I am giving to the Call next Sunday. I know what I am going to say, how everything connects, but I am still working out how to start it.
I joined the Call my freshman year at college. My brother had been involved in it (to a small degree) and had lent Mark Johnson (the singles Pastor over the Call) one of my swords for a visual aid. So before I even attended, the man in charge knew who I was. I joined a Forum of Four that first year, and got to know some guys pretty well.
As the years progressed I got more involved. I started going to Guys Night/Community Group at Mark and Tracy's house. I played softball and basketball for Wayside Chapel and even started going to Sunday worship and classes. My social life was centered in the Call. I didn't hang with people from college, except when a project required it. I eventually pulled out of working with the benevolence ministry I had been a part of for 7 years. And I became more focused on what God was doing with me and in me.
Mark does not excell at large scale teaching. He is solid as a speaker, gives good insight and keeps everyone's attention, but I feel that he only did it because it was in the job description. Mark and Tracy are heart seekers. In a casual group setting they can get rather introverted people like me to open up and share about our lives. Our darkest moments and our brightest days are welcomed and protected in the environments they create.
One on one they cut through the crap in our lives, rejecting the trite and easy answers about who we are and how we are doing. An "I'm OK" doesn't really cut it with them. They are willing to ask the questions that I so desire to be asked when I try to hide behind my church-face facade. My wife didn't believe me when I told her how they strip off the protection we put up to hide our pain. She believes me now, having gone through that painful and difficult process. For me to open up took courage, for her to open up took risk. I was seeking to avoid looking at my problems, to let life rock on and that eventually my difficulties would be so far behind that they wouldn't affect me much. But that isn't possible for someone who wants to be close to the Johnson family. Their openness and straight talk don't allow for hiding.
Over the last six years I have had the priviledge and honor of having them speak into my life, in ways that I would never have allowed any one else to. And next Sunday will be the first Call I have ever been at where there is no Mark and Tracy. They have been called by God to a different path, at a different church. And although they are, and will be, a large part of my life, I am not sure how the Call will survive. They were the main reason I was there. The main reason alot of people were there.
My hope and prayer (as I keep mentally pacing) is that I can continue, for a short time, to give insight from my heart and Scripture to the singles in the Call. That God will use me, over the next 3 months or so, to give the members of the Call a smooth transition into the next phase of the ministry.
Mark and Tracy, you have left very large shoes to fill, and many hearts that will keep going to you for guidance and insight. May God bless you as you journey forward, and may He use you in more and better ways for His Glory.
I joined the Call my freshman year at college. My brother had been involved in it (to a small degree) and had lent Mark Johnson (the singles Pastor over the Call) one of my swords for a visual aid. So before I even attended, the man in charge knew who I was. I joined a Forum of Four that first year, and got to know some guys pretty well.
As the years progressed I got more involved. I started going to Guys Night/Community Group at Mark and Tracy's house. I played softball and basketball for Wayside Chapel and even started going to Sunday worship and classes. My social life was centered in the Call. I didn't hang with people from college, except when a project required it. I eventually pulled out of working with the benevolence ministry I had been a part of for 7 years. And I became more focused on what God was doing with me and in me.
Mark does not excell at large scale teaching. He is solid as a speaker, gives good insight and keeps everyone's attention, but I feel that he only did it because it was in the job description. Mark and Tracy are heart seekers. In a casual group setting they can get rather introverted people like me to open up and share about our lives. Our darkest moments and our brightest days are welcomed and protected in the environments they create.
One on one they cut through the crap in our lives, rejecting the trite and easy answers about who we are and how we are doing. An "I'm OK" doesn't really cut it with them. They are willing to ask the questions that I so desire to be asked when I try to hide behind my church-face facade. My wife didn't believe me when I told her how they strip off the protection we put up to hide our pain. She believes me now, having gone through that painful and difficult process. For me to open up took courage, for her to open up took risk. I was seeking to avoid looking at my problems, to let life rock on and that eventually my difficulties would be so far behind that they wouldn't affect me much. But that isn't possible for someone who wants to be close to the Johnson family. Their openness and straight talk don't allow for hiding.
Over the last six years I have had the priviledge and honor of having them speak into my life, in ways that I would never have allowed any one else to. And next Sunday will be the first Call I have ever been at where there is no Mark and Tracy. They have been called by God to a different path, at a different church. And although they are, and will be, a large part of my life, I am not sure how the Call will survive. They were the main reason I was there. The main reason alot of people were there.
My hope and prayer (as I keep mentally pacing) is that I can continue, for a short time, to give insight from my heart and Scripture to the singles in the Call. That God will use me, over the next 3 months or so, to give the members of the Call a smooth transition into the next phase of the ministry.
Mark and Tracy, you have left very large shoes to fill, and many hearts that will keep going to you for guidance and insight. May God bless you as you journey forward, and may He use you in more and better ways for His Glory.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Pain
I always said I would never have a cat. Cats aren't my thing. I saw them as useless and conceited. Then I got one. I think Thalia is rather useless and conceited, but she is still cool. Hades, on the other hand, is our little bundle of joy and excitement. Since the day we got him, he raised hell in our apartment, scratched us up and had awful gas. But he was also very cuddly, sweet, and changed my mind about cats, or at least him.
But he has been sick for almost a month now. Our little ball of fire doesn't run around, or jump on the furniture, or torment Thalia. He just lies down, looking sad and emaciated now. And it is killing us. He had a seizure last night, and another this afternoon. We were thinking he was going to die last night. I only got 3 hours of sleep, and would willingly do it again for him.
I cannot put a positive spin on this right now. I have been praying for God to heal him for three weeks solid now, and he has just deteriorated. I don't know what to do, or if he will get better, all the tests have been negative so far.
So, God, I am giving him up to You now. This ball of joy You gave us, we love him and don't want to lose him. Please heal him and return him to us, or if You desire, let him go home peacefully. We just don't want him to suffer more.
But we want him to be with us again. Please.
But he has been sick for almost a month now. Our little ball of fire doesn't run around, or jump on the furniture, or torment Thalia. He just lies down, looking sad and emaciated now. And it is killing us. He had a seizure last night, and another this afternoon. We were thinking he was going to die last night. I only got 3 hours of sleep, and would willingly do it again for him.
I cannot put a positive spin on this right now. I have been praying for God to heal him for three weeks solid now, and he has just deteriorated. I don't know what to do, or if he will get better, all the tests have been negative so far.
So, God, I am giving him up to You now. This ball of joy You gave us, we love him and don't want to lose him. Please heal him and return him to us, or if You desire, let him go home peacefully. We just don't want him to suffer more.
But we want him to be with us again. Please.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Tozer and Heavy Metal
I have been asked recently what my views are on a number of controversial subjects of the Christian faith, including eternal security, predestination and a few others. In my view A.W. Tozer said it the best.
At the Commemoration of Samuel Seabury, First Anglican Bishop in North America, 1796:
"God will not hold us responsible to understand the mysteries of election, predestination, and the divine sovereignty. The best and safest way to deal with these truths is to raise our eyes to God and in deepest reverence say, "0 Lord, Thou knowest." Those things belong to the deep and mysterious Profound of God's omniscience. Prying into them may make theologians, but it will never make saints.
Basically, the issues that are brought before us in "theological" arguments never make us better as believers. They may strengthen or weaken our own personal theological views, they may be used to break the doctrines of others or to cast brothers/sisters out of the church. None of that is really seeking God is it?
The way Tozer says it, "O Lord, Thou knowest." brings me to my knees. Why should I really invest my time and effort into sabotaging the doctrinal belief of someone who for the most part agrees with me? Or why do tons of research into a subject that really is not up to me to decipher? I am a flawed human, my understanding of Scripture is at best mediocre, and yet I like to stand up and thump my chest and declare my way is superior to anyone elses. May God grant mercy to me, for my flaws, even when I seek to point out the flaws of a brother.
Now having said all that, what does it have to do with heavy metal? I am still listening to alot of Disturbed's new CD Indestructible. On my playlist at work I have Perfect Circle Counting Bodies like Sheep, followed by Disturbed Indestructible. Besides being adrenaline filled, and getting my creativity flowing (a nice help in my line of work), I am beginning to see a pattern in my psyche and mental process. War and God. This is leading into my next calLAN Bible Study, into how I think God expects us to act. God's people are supposed to be a fighting force, a warband, a unit of spiritual devastation, serving their Lord and Master in humility and prayer. Satan certainly isn't going to play tic-tac-toe with us to see who will influence our culture, politics, outreach or even our families. We gotta play hardball just like our enemy does. We need to go toe-to-toe against the powers of darkness, starting with prayer and ending with outreach.
God doesn't really want Christianity to be a big fuzzy debate club. No, really I am serious He doesn't. So why do we insist upon acting like we are trying to win first prize in a my theology is better than yours debate? Or even a we have more people or more money or more building yelling match? Christians have degraded into a bunch of whining sissies who care more for the phsyical "church" than Christ's Bride. Do you think for a moment that the Christians being persecuted in China, Sudan, Iran or half a dozen other countries really give a crap about once saved always saved? They believe that God will be waiting on the other side of the (literal) fire for me. He will wipe the tears from my eyes, He will clothe me in new garments, my wounds and torture marks will disappear. I worry about whether or not my dog or cat will be in heaven, or if I will get my own mansion. Sheer spiritual stupidity and moronic shallowness. They just want God to hold them and keep them safe.
So lets stop the pointless and misguided arguments. Lets get back to being saints, focused on the world around us and how we can impact it in our own way and with the talents and gifts God has given me. And listen to more warlike music for once. It is very invigorating.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Non-Poetry
I didn't sleep much last night. God is trying to make me trust Him again. Somehow I always end up back at this crossroads, do I think I can sort out my life and get things figured out or do I put faith in God? Yeah, I know what the right answer is. I want to know what MY answer is. I am looking at options to take in the near future, and looking at all my difficulties between here and there.
So I lie awake at night, trying to sleep, trying to relax, trying to... I don't know. I feel exhausted and fragile, and yet unable to collapse or slow down. My mind is in a thousand places and yet never anywhere for any length of time. Praying for direction only seems to sound hollow in my ears. I feel as though I have been dropped in the desert, with no compass and a note that says water is somewhere close (guess where). Only, I am not alone, I have a wife who depends on me, relies on me for direction and support. I can try to sound confident, appear knowledgeable, but I can't fool myself.
What do I do when life gets yanked out from under me? Where does faith leave me when I cannot see?
I will just put my hand up. Let Him take it. He will direct me, when I do not know the way. He will keep me secure, keep us together and whole. Faith is less about walking and more about being led than I had imagined.
So I lie awake at night, trying to sleep, trying to relax, trying to... I don't know. I feel exhausted and fragile, and yet unable to collapse or slow down. My mind is in a thousand places and yet never anywhere for any length of time. Praying for direction only seems to sound hollow in my ears. I feel as though I have been dropped in the desert, with no compass and a note that says water is somewhere close (guess where). Only, I am not alone, I have a wife who depends on me, relies on me for direction and support. I can try to sound confident, appear knowledgeable, but I can't fool myself.
What do I do when life gets yanked out from under me? Where does faith leave me when I cannot see?
I will just put my hand up. Let Him take it. He will direct me, when I do not know the way. He will keep me secure, keep us together and whole. Faith is less about walking and more about being led than I had imagined.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Poems
i am really not good at writing Poetry,
words don't sound good, rhyming is tough,
so i will forgo that complex difficult stuff,
to tell you I love you, tell you how much.
see its really not hard to put words to page,
but it is putting my heart into words,
writing about you and me, our story,
that leaves me unable to fit it all in.
big words are a bit too impracticable,
small words dont really fit,
it all seems a jumble, a jigsaw puzzle,
so i guess i will just say it, here we go:
Baby, I love you, more than life itself, more than you or I will ever know, I will never leave, never forget you, you are my sunshine, my happiness, my other 75%, I will always be on the bottom of the bus with you, always find you and make you come out, always be here, always love you.
SWAK, YKISA,
N
(the end)
words don't sound good, rhyming is tough,
so i will forgo that complex difficult stuff,
to tell you I love you, tell you how much.
see its really not hard to put words to page,
but it is putting my heart into words,
writing about you and me, our story,
that leaves me unable to fit it all in.
big words are a bit too impracticable,
small words dont really fit,
it all seems a jumble, a jigsaw puzzle,
so i guess i will just say it, here we go:
Baby, I love you, more than life itself, more than you or I will ever know, I will never leave, never forget you, you are my sunshine, my happiness, my other 75%, I will always be on the bottom of the bus with you, always find you and make you come out, always be here, always love you.
SWAK, YKISA,
N
(the end)
Friday, August 1, 2008
His Hand
i walk head down, eyes on the ground,
can't look ahead for fear of stumbling;
can't look behind for fear of repeating,
the same mistakes, pains and heartaches;
walking isn't easy, life takes its toll,
yes i am saved, now make me whole;
ground is uneven, feet are tired,
arms are heavy, feel uninspired;
end of the rope, give me hope,
hear your voice, look at the sand,
all along, i'm walking in Your Hand.
I have struggled for years trying to figure out why God won't give me total peace about what happens down the road. And while I still don't have total peace, I realize that I am indeed walking in His Hand. Every step I take, no matter how hard it may seem, is protected and covered by Him. And while I may fall, stumble, or become weary, I can just collapse to the ground and let Him hold me. In His Hand.
can't look ahead for fear of stumbling;
can't look behind for fear of repeating,
the same mistakes, pains and heartaches;
walking isn't easy, life takes its toll,
yes i am saved, now make me whole;
ground is uneven, feet are tired,
arms are heavy, feel uninspired;
end of the rope, give me hope,
hear your voice, look at the sand,
all along, i'm walking in Your Hand.
I have struggled for years trying to figure out why God won't give me total peace about what happens down the road. And while I still don't have total peace, I realize that I am indeed walking in His Hand. Every step I take, no matter how hard it may seem, is protected and covered by Him. And while I may fall, stumble, or become weary, I can just collapse to the ground and let Him hold me. In His Hand.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
calLAN Bible Study
I haven't posted here in a while and wanted to write down how the very first calLAN Bible study went.
For those of you who don't know, calLAN is a Christian LAN (computer gaming) party that my church lets us host every month. I started the LANs three years ago, at my parents house. We have had 27 semi-consecutive monthly events. I decided we needed to have more Christian activity, not just gaming at calLAN, so we had a Bible study.
The verses I used were from Matthew 11:2-6:
http://bible1.crosswalk.com/OnlineStudyBible/bible.cgi?passage=mt+11&version=nas&showtools=0
We first discussed why John felt it important to ask Christ if he really was the Messiah. It is my personal view that John was asking to put to rest any doubt he may have as to the success of his mission. His whole life's work was spent on preparing the world for Christ, and he is in Herod's prison, basically awaiting execution, and wants to be sure, without a doubt that this is the guy he was working for.
The second portion of the study delved into Christ's response, in particular how it related to answering John's question. Yes, Jesus just could have said, I am the Messiah. But He did so much more. He pretty much quoted a prophecy by Isaiah and just told John to look at his actions. It is my desire for anyone wondering about my religious/spiritual affiliation to be able to look at my actions and see who I belong to.
The third part of the study was sorting out who in our lives is in need of Christ's healing. Some very good views were shared, some of which I had thought of, but most of them were new. It was pretty unanimous that Christ doesn't need to just heal the unsaved. We as Christians focus way to much on the act of salvation, and much less on what happens to the fellow believers around us. The only difference between a spiritually blind non-Christian and a spiritually blind Christian is that one is not saved and the other is not effective. The same thing goes for the rest of the miracles Christ spoke of.
The last part was about our response to the aforementioned sections. How are we able to reach those around us. I began to see how these guys I had gamed with for months really were focused on sharing God, in the workplace, on street corners, and online. For us as gamers, we can reach an "unreached" portion of the world. The gaming culture is steeped in distrust and even animosity towards God. Loners who want to do what they want, see what they want, read/watch/say/etc, go to the internet to do it. Gamers tend to be rebellious toward society, because they view society has rejected them. Their importance in the gaming society doesn't translate into the rest of the world very easily. There are missionaries in almost every corner of the world, but the presence of Christians in online gaming is tragically low. Or at least the presence of known Christians. It is easy to hide your faith and try to be invisible online, in ways and areas where you could not get away with it in real life. This is our mission field.
There is a pretty good group of us going to QuakeCon this year. QC is a very large gaming event, with an enormous LAN, tournaments, various events, tons of free stuff at booths, and lots of gamers. So I told the guys who were going to make it a point to stand out in the crowd, to not let the darkness of the world push them into conformity. I think that God can use them mightily at QuakeCon, both to reach the lost, and to awaken Christians who are there.
Please pray for the guys this weekend when they go to QuakeCon in Dallas. Pray for their safety, their ministry, their gaming skill, and especially their walk with the Lord.
For those of you who don't know, calLAN is a Christian LAN (computer gaming) party that my church lets us host every month. I started the LANs three years ago, at my parents house. We have had 27 semi-consecutive monthly events. I decided we needed to have more Christian activity, not just gaming at calLAN, so we had a Bible study.
The verses I used were from Matthew 11:2-6:
http://bible1.crosswalk.com/OnlineStudyBible/bible.cgi?passage=mt+11&version=nas&showtools=0
We first discussed why John felt it important to ask Christ if he really was the Messiah. It is my personal view that John was asking to put to rest any doubt he may have as to the success of his mission. His whole life's work was spent on preparing the world for Christ, and he is in Herod's prison, basically awaiting execution, and wants to be sure, without a doubt that this is the guy he was working for.
The second portion of the study delved into Christ's response, in particular how it related to answering John's question. Yes, Jesus just could have said, I am the Messiah. But He did so much more. He pretty much quoted a prophecy by Isaiah and just told John to look at his actions. It is my desire for anyone wondering about my religious/spiritual affiliation to be able to look at my actions and see who I belong to.
The third part of the study was sorting out who in our lives is in need of Christ's healing. Some very good views were shared, some of which I had thought of, but most of them were new. It was pretty unanimous that Christ doesn't need to just heal the unsaved. We as Christians focus way to much on the act of salvation, and much less on what happens to the fellow believers around us. The only difference between a spiritually blind non-Christian and a spiritually blind Christian is that one is not saved and the other is not effective. The same thing goes for the rest of the miracles Christ spoke of.
The last part was about our response to the aforementioned sections. How are we able to reach those around us. I began to see how these guys I had gamed with for months really were focused on sharing God, in the workplace, on street corners, and online. For us as gamers, we can reach an "unreached" portion of the world. The gaming culture is steeped in distrust and even animosity towards God. Loners who want to do what they want, see what they want, read/watch/say/etc, go to the internet to do it. Gamers tend to be rebellious toward society, because they view society has rejected them. Their importance in the gaming society doesn't translate into the rest of the world very easily. There are missionaries in almost every corner of the world, but the presence of Christians in online gaming is tragically low. Or at least the presence of known Christians. It is easy to hide your faith and try to be invisible online, in ways and areas where you could not get away with it in real life. This is our mission field.
There is a pretty good group of us going to QuakeCon this year. QC is a very large gaming event, with an enormous LAN, tournaments, various events, tons of free stuff at booths, and lots of gamers. So I told the guys who were going to make it a point to stand out in the crowd, to not let the darkness of the world push them into conformity. I think that God can use them mightily at QuakeCon, both to reach the lost, and to awaken Christians who are there.
Please pray for the guys this weekend when they go to QuakeCon in Dallas. Pray for their safety, their ministry, their gaming skill, and especially their walk with the Lord.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Adrift again.
My sarcasm is telling me to try to be funny. But I am afraid of wrapping fear and shame with a candy coating. Afraid that it won't be enough and I could add failure to that list. Expletives aren't cutting it either, they just leave me more empty. My wife is at home and I want to call her, but breaking down at work isn't much of an option.
Does it always come down to money and time? Is there some point where God just says, "You know what, you have dealt with the money struggle long enough, I will take care of it for you for a while."? I am not about to give it to Him without some proof that it will get taken care of. For all I know He wants to teach me a lesson that involves hurting my credit score. Can't have that.
I feel so frustrated and angry at myself. Have I made only two good long term decisions in my life: my God and my wife? Is my career choice going to just make me neurotic and panicky forever? Whatever happened to the gung ho I will take whatever salary I can get, just to have a job that makes me happy? I could settle for more money and less fun right about now. Gotta have the money, Lord. Can't do without it. Who is going to put food on the table, pay the bills, keep a roof over our heads? Yeah I get the whole God takes care of the sparrow thing, but tell that to my outrageous electric bill. It doesn't take worms for credit, even ones picked by early birds. My car's power steering is acting all wierd, but it drives and so I can live with it for the moment.
God has convinced me that I have screwed up so much recently. Misjudged people drastically, wronged those I should love, prevented Him from using me. And it is all sitting on top of my other worries. Welcome to the dark corners of my mind. Where I hold God at bay with my emotional baggage and deepest fears, rather than let Him take it all off of my shoulders.
I am supposed to finish Ezekiel 5. It feels less clear, what to write, in moments like this. My creativity is hiding behind all of my issues and problems. That is why I usually end up writing lots of short sentences.
This is where I would put my "Fool that I am" line. Except right now I don't feel like a fool. I feel alone and scared. When my wife talks me down from the proverbial ledge, then I can look back and see my stupidity, recognize my shortsighted fear. But for now, here is where I am.
Adrift.
Does it always come down to money and time? Is there some point where God just says, "You know what, you have dealt with the money struggle long enough, I will take care of it for you for a while."? I am not about to give it to Him without some proof that it will get taken care of. For all I know He wants to teach me a lesson that involves hurting my credit score. Can't have that.
I feel so frustrated and angry at myself. Have I made only two good long term decisions in my life: my God and my wife? Is my career choice going to just make me neurotic and panicky forever? Whatever happened to the gung ho I will take whatever salary I can get, just to have a job that makes me happy? I could settle for more money and less fun right about now. Gotta have the money, Lord. Can't do without it. Who is going to put food on the table, pay the bills, keep a roof over our heads? Yeah I get the whole God takes care of the sparrow thing, but tell that to my outrageous electric bill. It doesn't take worms for credit, even ones picked by early birds. My car's power steering is acting all wierd, but it drives and so I can live with it for the moment.
God has convinced me that I have screwed up so much recently. Misjudged people drastically, wronged those I should love, prevented Him from using me. And it is all sitting on top of my other worries. Welcome to the dark corners of my mind. Where I hold God at bay with my emotional baggage and deepest fears, rather than let Him take it all off of my shoulders.
I am supposed to finish Ezekiel 5. It feels less clear, what to write, in moments like this. My creativity is hiding behind all of my issues and problems. That is why I usually end up writing lots of short sentences.
This is where I would put my "Fool that I am" line. Except right now I don't feel like a fool. I feel alone and scared. When my wife talks me down from the proverbial ledge, then I can look back and see my stupidity, recognize my shortsighted fear. But for now, here is where I am.
Adrift.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Drained
Last night I fell asleep feeling like someone had sucked every last bit of energy from my body. My mind was numbed and my soul was exhausted. I hadn't been happier in a pretty long while. I guess I get some sort of bizarre healing from letting other people release their emotions and frustrations to me, forcing me to put aside my own "problems" to realize that I am in better shape than I think.
God puts people in our lives that we need to help, that we need to go to and drag kicking and screaming out of the chaos and darkness. And He has given us people who walk beside us. When they get tired, we are their to support them. When we get tired, they hold us up. It comes naturally I suppose, this reliance upon the strength of someone who is there just for that purpose.
So why doesn't it seem to come natural to rely on God? Why do I feel like another human will help me faster than God will? Faster than I will? Is it because I can assume that they do not really know or need to know the dark places of my heart, the parts I cling to and won't give up to my Creator? And God can see the areas where I try to hide my sin and shame. I feel like a fool going to Him, admitting I need His help so desperately, all the while knowing I am holding back on alot of places He needs to see. I feel so much better when I can channel someone elses pain or struggle into a prayer to God, in stead of trying to handle my own. I just wish I could tack on my problems onto the end of those prayers, convince myself that God will just not see what I added and give a blanket healing to the whole package.
Fool that I am to think I could give my problems to an omniscient God, who is the very essence of holiness and love, and have to worry about what He will think. He just sees the blood shed on the cross, my redeemed soul forgiven by the Sacrificial Lamb. I am clean and pure in His sight, and all blemishes are cleansed even before I can mention them.
It is good to be forgiven.
God puts people in our lives that we need to help, that we need to go to and drag kicking and screaming out of the chaos and darkness. And He has given us people who walk beside us. When they get tired, we are their to support them. When we get tired, they hold us up. It comes naturally I suppose, this reliance upon the strength of someone who is there just for that purpose.
So why doesn't it seem to come natural to rely on God? Why do I feel like another human will help me faster than God will? Faster than I will? Is it because I can assume that they do not really know or need to know the dark places of my heart, the parts I cling to and won't give up to my Creator? And God can see the areas where I try to hide my sin and shame. I feel like a fool going to Him, admitting I need His help so desperately, all the while knowing I am holding back on alot of places He needs to see. I feel so much better when I can channel someone elses pain or struggle into a prayer to God, in stead of trying to handle my own. I just wish I could tack on my problems onto the end of those prayers, convince myself that God will just not see what I added and give a blanket healing to the whole package.
Fool that I am to think I could give my problems to an omniscient God, who is the very essence of holiness and love, and have to worry about what He will think. He just sees the blood shed on the cross, my redeemed soul forgiven by the Sacrificial Lamb. I am clean and pure in His sight, and all blemishes are cleansed even before I can mention them.
It is good to be forgiven.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Audio Adrenaline and Disturbed
I am listening to Disturbed again. I know, probably not the best uplifting music to listen to. But at the same time I am pulling all sorts of wonderful truth out of this CD that I actually feel uplifted. Take the title track Indestructible.
I'll have you know
That I've become...
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
From the other side
A terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take a last look around while you're alive
I'm an indestructible master of war
Pretty heavy and violent isn't it. And what is the point? Take a look at Audio Adrenaline's Some Kind of Zombie.
But Im dead to sin like
Some kind of zombie.
I hear you speak and I obey
Some kind of zombie
I walked away from the grave
Some kind of zombie
I will never be afraid
Some kind of zombie
I gave my life away.
Im obliged and obey
Im enslaved to what you say.
Both songs raise the same feeling in me, and for the same reason. I am invincible, indestructible, a thing to be feared. There is no greater weapon than a child of God willing to fall on their knees. And I also strive to be God's zombie, obedient to His word, unswayed, unflagging energy, willingly forced to do the with of the Father.
Now put them together and you get Matthew 16:18:
I also say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it.
We are unstoppable when we do not rely on ourselves. Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. That is what we have to act from, not a place of fear or insufficiency, but of reliance on the one who makes us strong. It is only then that we really achieve our highest calling, laying our will, desires and goals aside so that Christ can use us with power and to His glory.
I'll have you know
That I've become...
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
From the other side
A terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take a last look around while you're alive
I'm an indestructible master of war
Pretty heavy and violent isn't it. And what is the point? Take a look at Audio Adrenaline's Some Kind of Zombie.
But Im dead to sin like
Some kind of zombie.
I hear you speak and I obey
Some kind of zombie
I walked away from the grave
Some kind of zombie
I will never be afraid
Some kind of zombie
I gave my life away.
Im obliged and obey
Im enslaved to what you say.
Both songs raise the same feeling in me, and for the same reason. I am invincible, indestructible, a thing to be feared. There is no greater weapon than a child of God willing to fall on their knees. And I also strive to be God's zombie, obedient to His word, unswayed, unflagging energy, willingly forced to do the with of the Father.
Now put them together and you get Matthew 16:18:
I also say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it.
We are unstoppable when we do not rely on ourselves. Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. That is what we have to act from, not a place of fear or insufficiency, but of reliance on the one who makes us strong. It is only then that we really achieve our highest calling, laying our will, desires and goals aside so that Christ can use us with power and to His glory.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Rethinking Secular
I am listening to Disturbed right now. Not exactly "Christian" music. But somehow, in spite of the lack of direct praise to God, it is possible for me to pull some level of understanding about God and humanity from this secular album. The song released to radio a month or so ago, Inside the Fire, goes into the aftermath of suicide. Satan is trying to convince this guy to follow his girlfriend and end the "pain" of life.
Devon lies beyond this portal
Take the word of one immortal
Give your soul to me
For eternity
Release your life
To begin another time with her
End your grief with me
There's another way
Release your life
Take your place inside the fire with her
How is it that this secular band can understand the way Satan works much better than most Christians do? The enticing call to give up grief and sorrow and join her again resonates not only with those who do not know Christ. I do not believe that a Christian who, for whatever reason, takes their own life is condemned for it. Christ bought my life and my death with His blood, and my mistakes or efforts cannot rip me from Him.
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I am secure in my knowledge that Christ is not so willing to let me go as I am willing to let myself go. The prize that He bought by His death on the cross is worth, in His eyes (and sometimes in mine), every moment of agony and drop of blood.
Just a word, to all those who have ever, or will ever consider suicide. Satan is good, very good, at what he does. He is relentless and cunning. But he is also a liar. The deceptions he raises in front of our eyes to blind us to his real goal, the downfall or at least inhibition of our testimony, are painful and often seem to make sense. The attacks Satan makes upon our faith, our family, our lives are just there to get us wondering. "What if God cannot love me because of...? What if no one would even notice I was gone? What is there here for me? Why stay?"
Let me answer. He loves you anyway. We would. Alot. God has a plan for you.
"Thank you Mr. I-Got-It-All-Figured-Out, big help. It isn't that simple. "
Actually it is. It is incredibly simple, in contrast to the extreme complexity of the questions. Go ahead and reason it out in your mind.
The only way God could love you, in spite of all you have done is for Him to love no matter what. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He loved us when we were set against Him, how much more will He love when we seek His face.
For the last three questions, there are lives to be touched, no matter how insignificant and small. Just ask those who are close to you, and if no one is close to you then you should know exactly what to do. God did not place us on this earth to be alone. He gave us people to interact with and influence. Maybe you are not good with talking to people, maybe you need some external influence. Go to your church and become a greeter. Teach Sunday School to five year olds. Sign up for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I worked in a benevolence ministry for seven years. I was affected in countless ways and can only hope that I helped someone along the way. A Christian alone is a Christian who is vulnerable.
I cannot begin to answer the questions you may have in your mind. But I can answer the biggest question of all. There is hope. And peace. Despite whatever circumstances, whatever pressure and stress put on you. Our God is the God who saves. It may not be in our timing, or in our expected way, but God shows up. The fact that I can write this now is my proof. He has rescued me innumerable times, and He will keep me safe and saved.
Devon lies beyond this portal
Take the word of one immortal
Give your soul to me
For eternity
Release your life
To begin another time with her
End your grief with me
There's another way
Release your life
Take your place inside the fire with her
How is it that this secular band can understand the way Satan works much better than most Christians do? The enticing call to give up grief and sorrow and join her again resonates not only with those who do not know Christ. I do not believe that a Christian who, for whatever reason, takes their own life is condemned for it. Christ bought my life and my death with His blood, and my mistakes or efforts cannot rip me from Him.
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I am secure in my knowledge that Christ is not so willing to let me go as I am willing to let myself go. The prize that He bought by His death on the cross is worth, in His eyes (and sometimes in mine), every moment of agony and drop of blood.
Just a word, to all those who have ever, or will ever consider suicide. Satan is good, very good, at what he does. He is relentless and cunning. But he is also a liar. The deceptions he raises in front of our eyes to blind us to his real goal, the downfall or at least inhibition of our testimony, are painful and often seem to make sense. The attacks Satan makes upon our faith, our family, our lives are just there to get us wondering. "What if God cannot love me because of...? What if no one would even notice I was gone? What is there here for me? Why stay?"
Let me answer. He loves you anyway. We would. Alot. God has a plan for you.
"Thank you Mr. I-Got-It-All-Figured-Out, big help. It isn't that simple. "
Actually it is. It is incredibly simple, in contrast to the extreme complexity of the questions. Go ahead and reason it out in your mind.
The only way God could love you, in spite of all you have done is for Him to love no matter what. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He loved us when we were set against Him, how much more will He love when we seek His face.
For the last three questions, there are lives to be touched, no matter how insignificant and small. Just ask those who are close to you, and if no one is close to you then you should know exactly what to do. God did not place us on this earth to be alone. He gave us people to interact with and influence. Maybe you are not good with talking to people, maybe you need some external influence. Go to your church and become a greeter. Teach Sunday School to five year olds. Sign up for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I worked in a benevolence ministry for seven years. I was affected in countless ways and can only hope that I helped someone along the way. A Christian alone is a Christian who is vulnerable.
I cannot begin to answer the questions you may have in your mind. But I can answer the biggest question of all. There is hope. And peace. Despite whatever circumstances, whatever pressure and stress put on you. Our God is the God who saves. It may not be in our timing, or in our expected way, but God shows up. The fact that I can write this now is my proof. He has rescued me innumerable times, and He will keep me safe and saved.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Questions and answers
Why did God create rain? Was it not possible to have water that seeped up from the ground? Was it perhaps because He knew we would enjoy it, the sound, the sight of it? Beneath the pages of the Bible, hidden under layers of theology and volumes of painful study lies a simple truth. God desires us to enjoy what He has made, just like He desires to enjoy our presence with Him. In a way, the rain is a sign, showing that God is not only interested in who I am, what I do, but also in what makes me happy, what calms my spirit in the troubled times. The cat that resides in my home (I don't really think cats are ever owned in their minds, just taken care of) spends all day just enjoying what is in front of her. Oh, that I could let that be a part of me, to absorb the moments of my day that God has placed for me to enjoy. The hug and kisses I get when I return home, the quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) mornings that I don't have to rise early. And of course, the rain.
Breaking me down
Well, I am back here again. This feeling of insecurity, manufactured by my own unwillingness to admit my need for Him, my desire for Him. Why after so many years does my flawed humanity still stubbornly cling to my belief that I can accomplish anything without Him, that I would exist for a split second if He forgot about me. Fool that I am, my basic need for a Savior is only overshadowed by my need for a God. Salvation is easy to obtain, to comprehend even, for me. But perfection? Surely it is far simpler, God, to let me live my life in obscurity and monotony. Let the bland taste better than the sweet and bitter. He is stubborn too. And He can break me easier when I let Him, when I stop moving and panicking long enough for Him to strip off my defenses and heal my injuries. Fool that I am, to think that my festering sores are better of encased in layers of protected armor than in the hands of the One who made me. To call myself insufficient is absolutely correct, to say I am worthless, pathetic and even a failure is to speak truth. But Truth has changed me, made me no longer me, but Him. My insufficiency is swallowed in the awesome power of His Grace, my worth poured from the wounds of the Holy Lamb, my existence is marked only by my name in the Book of Life. He is, will be more than I ever need. My shame, guilt, lust, anger, pride, greed - my sin- nailed Him to the cross. And He left them there, stained and then washed by His blood, no longer a mark against my name but another victory He won. I am free, clean and whole in Him. It is good to be back.
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