Drained

Last night I fell asleep feeling like someone had sucked every last bit of energy from my body. My mind was numbed and my soul was exhausted. I hadn't been happier in a pretty long while. I guess I get some sort of bizarre healing from letting other people release their emotions and frustrations to me, forcing me to put aside my own "problems" to realize that I am in better shape than I think.

God puts people in our lives that we need to help, that we need to go to and drag kicking and screaming out of the chaos and darkness. And He has given us people who walk beside us. When they get tired, we are their to support them. When we get tired, they hold us up. It comes naturally I suppose, this reliance upon the strength of someone who is there just for that purpose.

So why doesn't it seem to come natural to rely on God? Why do I feel like another human will help me faster than God will? Faster than I will? Is it because I can assume that they do not really know or need to know the dark places of my heart, the parts I cling to and won't give up to my Creator? And God can see the areas where I try to hide my sin and shame. I feel like a fool going to Him, admitting I need His help so desperately, all the while knowing I am holding back on alot of places He needs to see. I feel so much better when I can channel someone elses pain or struggle into a prayer to God, in stead of trying to handle my own. I just wish I could tack on my problems onto the end of those prayers, convince myself that God will just not see what I added and give a blanket healing to the whole package.

Fool that I am to think I could give my problems to an omniscient God, who is the very essence of holiness and love, and have to worry about what He will think. He just sees the blood shed on the cross, my redeemed soul forgiven by the Sacrificial Lamb. I am clean and pure in His sight, and all blemishes are cleansed even before I can mention them.

It is good to be forgiven.