This current pain

This is a new approach to blogging for me. I promised my lovely wife, M, that I would blog alongside her as she starts looking at life in a new way. There have been some very difficult decisions that we have made over the last month or so that I will get more into as this blog changes and time moves forward.
For today however I want to comment on a specific thing my wife is struggling with. Heck, that I am struggling with. Where is God in all of the pain we are going through?

We have been going through infertility for two years. Two years of hopes dashed and tears shed. Two years of negative tests and doctors best guesses. One surgery, countless appointments. Pills. Invasive procedures. In all reality I haven't gone through it at all, my wife has. She has borne the brunt of the pain and the heartache and the loss. I have had to stand on the sidelines with tears in my eyes as she was repeatedly beaten down by the very dreams she holds so closely. What am I supposed to do? How can I try to fight in her place in a battle that is going on in her heart? When she asks me why God isn't answering her prayers, what am I supposed to say?

She doubts God, like Thomas doubted God, like Job doubted God, like I have doubted God. But Thomas felt the scars, Job heard His voice, I saw changes happen. She hasn't. I am left holding the hands of an emotionally battered, fragile, shattered creature that I love with all my heart. And so I look to Him and ask, Why? Why can't this have been easy for us? How can this be something so many people have happen naturally and easily and all to often when they don't even want it to, but we can't when we try to hard and want it so badly? I can't pay for the advanced treatments and the surrogacy options and the things that you read and hear about other couples trying. I feel like I let her down and I rage at God for leaving her there, leaving us there.

I cling to one thing in all of this: That the God I serve will not leave his children alone in their pain. We are not promised a life of happiness and sunshine and daisies. But we are promised a God who will walk through the fire and the flood with us, even when we cannot see Him. So what can I do? What can I say to this wonderful woman I am eternally connected to?

To M: I cannot fix this. I cannot make the sun shine on your heart all the time. But I can hold your heart. I can dry your tears. I can watch over your heart and help you find value and goodness in yourself. I can tell you I will never let you go. I can never stop fighting for you. I can love you until the the nightmares stop and the dreams can be felt again. I can tell you the truths about yourself that the enemy would love for you to disbelieve. I can try to be the hands of God where you cannot hear His voice or see His face. And I will be. Always.

The celebration

I had forgotten how long we had been fighting long ago. The exhaustion and pain turn into a dull ache. The weight of my sword grows heavier, my gashed and battered armor makes every movement a strain.  It seemed like there we always more enemies, for every one that we cut down, another jumped into his place. Their weapons would occasionally slide through a gap in my armor when I wasn't concentrating and small rivulets of blood turned to a small pool at my feet. The thought of quitting or fleeing or dying never enters our minds. There is too much that we are fighting for. We are protecting those we love, those we care about, failure is not an option.  But the fight can't go on forever can it? We can't out last our enemy, we are just humans.

And then He came. Some would have said an army couldn't crush the enemy force, but He did it all alone. I couldn't even really tell what happened, because while he came crashing into the battle line, the world seemed to fade away to blackness for me. 

My eyes opened to brilliant light. Light that was brighter than the sun, light that seemed to emanate from everything because when I looked down there were no shadows. I had to squint at first, for fear of blinding my eyes with the brilliance of the place I was in. I realized was still in my armor, still covered in blood, grime, sweat and gore. My sword was still in my hand, bathed in the dark blood of the monsters we fought, pitted, nicked, battered and dulled by the constant fighting. 

And then I saw the room I was in. Pure gold covered the floor, enormous pillars of ivory and marble held a ceiling of pure blue sky, the impossible melded with beautiful in a perfect display of incredible light. There was an huge crowd of people, clothed in beautiful robes and swirling in a crazy party the likes of which I had never seen. The food and music seemed to change every moment but was perfect at all times somehow. And I saw Him in the crowd, the shining center of the room no matter where he happened to be. The golden throne at the far end of the room sat empty while he enjoyed the revelry with His people. And the room was full of light because of Him. I don't know how that makes sense, or  how I knew it, but it is the truth. 

I felt shame for a brief moment. I had somehow crashed His victory party in an outfit covered in dirt and grime. I didn't fit in, the party swirled around but didn't get near me. But strangely enough, I started to see my the evidence of battle start to fade from my armor. The dried blood and dirt started disappearing from the crevices and gashes, my sword started repairing itself, gleaming in the light. I was wearing the most perfect battle garb ever created, when a moment ago I appeared to have just come from a lifelong war, which I had. 

Then He spoke to me from the throne, His booming but gentle voice stopping the party immediately, but not stopping the air of excitement in the room or the joy in the revelers. "My loyal and brave warrior, welcome to the victory celebration. Why do you not join in the party?"

Instinct took over, I dropped to my knees and bowed my head as a good soldier should in the presence of his King. My voice shook a bit, but the words seemed to be clear enough. "My King, I don't fit in with your party. I am fresh from battle and I fear I would be a distraction. Your victory should be celebrated without me bringing it down."

When He spoke again, His voice was quieter and right next to me and there seemed to be a smile in it. "My son, I didn't win the fight to take a victory. I didn't arrive on the battlefield to defeat the enemy. I charged in for you. This isn't My victory celebration. This is the party to celebrate you, the battles you fought, the war you waged, the blood you spilled in My name. I didn't win the fight for this party, I won it to rescue you. Now lets join the party again, I have so many people I want you to meet.'

It sounds crazy, but this is one of my favorite pictures of heaven. I know it isn't theologically perfect, but I feel like it is what I am able to imagine at this point.  

My Omega

Lord, be my Omega today. You exist outside of this fragile timeline, you know where the story has already ended in your eyes. When this fragile sandbox that we tend to think is the sum of our existence is shattered and gone, You will remain. When time is no longer even a concept, the reality is still You.

You watched me walk down dark paths, down roads full of shame and regret. You have seen my fears and my failures, You know when my pride has made me stumble. You are not just walking beside me in this life, You are at the end, You were at the beginning. And my greatest hope is that I can get a taste of who You are to me at the end of my life, at the end of all that we cling to in this world. You are already where I will be when the we watch your blessings come rolling into our lives. You are already where I will stand when hopes and dreams become reality and substance. You are where faith is no longer required and the future is already done and gone. How incredible it must be to see me flounder around it this thing we call time, see the doubts and hopes and already know what is going to happen.

And so I ask, be my Omega today. Be my end. Be the comforter of my soul because the day will come when my soul won't ever need comforting again. Fill me with the understanding that no matter what happens You are still what remains, and let me see the peace of what that brings. I don't ask for glimpses of the future, just the knowledge of who You are when the future comes.

You will get all glory and honor and power and praise. You will be our light and our breath and the joy that we will feel will be the joy of being in Your presence. Bring me closer to that today, give me a hint of what You are when You are all that is.

six months again

it seems like it was yesterday
you and i in conversation
but mainly me talking
you listening as only God can.
i told you i wanted six months
three years ago, almost
you answered and changed me
changed where i was and what i did.
im back here now but differently
i still want those six months
but instead of an ultimatum for you
i want this to be a challenge for me.
make me better, make me more
make me into who i need to be
make me patient and humble
make me glimpse your five year plan
make my heart care less about me
make my job be a path not a climb
make my work be a means not an end
make me more like you
make me less like who i have been
make me get out of your way.
i know i don't have the ability
but i do know i have the words
six months, Giver of Gifts
six months, King of Heaven
six months, my Lord and God
six months to see your glory
change my life once again.

Thief

My wife is a huge Disney fan. She grew up with the classics and the stories of the Disney princesses especially play a big role in her story. Cinderella is and has always been her favorite because of the hope and dreams it created in her as a little girl, that there are happily ever afters and the Prince Charming will search an entire kingdom for her.
Recently, however, Disney has made movies of fail. I think Mulan is the last princess that M likes (although she likes her more than any others apparently). And if you take Pixar out of he mix, Beauty and the Beast is the last good movie Disney had made in some time. Until Tangled came out.
I didn't even know that Tangled came out. If i did notice, i didn't think it would be nearly as good as it is. If you have not seen Tangled, go watch it right now, rent it, but it, netflix.com, whatever you have to do because it is fantastic. M told me it made her cry the first time she saw it because it speaks so much to her story. When i saw it, i realized exactly how much and why. There are parts of that story that make me angry, parts that make me sad and even parts that make me just watch her watching the movie and hold her tight while we both get a bit teary eyed. If you don't know the movie and don't know M very well it may not make much sense, but Tangled is in my top 3 emotional animated movies (alongside Monsters inc and Up). And Tangled is making me seriously look at getting a tattoo.
I am already ready to get a tattoo on my back saying ,The Last Centurion, for reasons i have already mentioned, but this is something that came out of the blue for me. I am going to get 'her thief' on me somewhere. I dont know where yet, or when, or what it will exactly look like. I am going to get that tattoo because finally i can relate to the hero in a Disney movie. He isn't a good guy when he movie starts, he doesn't have a flawless character or a winning personality. Instead he is just trying do something very simple to get back something she has. But as they travel, he learns who she is, what her story is, what she wants out of life and it shakes his world. Everything he thought was important became completely worthless in comparison to her and he is willing to do anything to protect her and keep her safe. He isn't trying to get the happily ever after for the two of them, just for her, because he sees the prison she endures to the benefit of others. His one final act changes everything and gives her the chance to be who she is. In the end it does work out, but to me, the story  could have ended on that very sad note and while it would have been  depressing, it would have been incredible.
To me, being her thief means that i stole her away, that i didn't need to be Prince Charming in my eyes to be that in hers, that if i can only do one thing in my life it is to break her free and give her the ability to truly be who she is. I am proud of my wife, proud of who she is and what she has become in the last five years. She is able to run around in the grass and experience the lights in ways that she never has before and i am glad i get to enjoy her happiness.