My sarcasm is telling me to try to be funny. But I am afraid of wrapping fear and shame with a candy coating. Afraid that it won't be enough and I could add failure to that list. Expletives aren't cutting it either, they just leave me more empty. My wife is at home and I want to call her, but breaking down at work isn't much of an option.
Does it always come down to money and time? Is there some point where God just says, "You know what, you have dealt with the money struggle long enough, I will take care of it for you for a while."? I am not about to give it to Him without some proof that it will get taken care of. For all I know He wants to teach me a lesson that involves hurting my credit score. Can't have that.
I feel so frustrated and angry at myself. Have I made only two good long term decisions in my life: my God and my wife? Is my career choice going to just make me neurotic and panicky forever? Whatever happened to the gung ho I will take whatever salary I can get, just to have a job that makes me happy? I could settle for more money and less fun right about now. Gotta have the money, Lord. Can't do without it. Who is going to put food on the table, pay the bills, keep a roof over our heads? Yeah I get the whole God takes care of the sparrow thing, but tell that to my outrageous electric bill. It doesn't take worms for credit, even ones picked by early birds. My car's power steering is acting all wierd, but it drives and so I can live with it for the moment.
God has convinced me that I have screwed up so much recently. Misjudged people drastically, wronged those I should love, prevented Him from using me. And it is all sitting on top of my other worries. Welcome to the dark corners of my mind. Where I hold God at bay with my emotional baggage and deepest fears, rather than let Him take it all off of my shoulders.
I am supposed to finish Ezekiel 5. It feels less clear, what to write, in moments like this. My creativity is hiding behind all of my issues and problems. That is why I usually end up writing lots of short sentences.
This is where I would put my "Fool that I am" line. Except right now I don't feel like a fool. I feel alone and scared. When my wife talks me down from the proverbial ledge, then I can look back and see my stupidity, recognize my shortsighted fear. But for now, here is where I am.
Adrift.
1 comment:
It is no small thing to take responsibility for a wife.
Perhaps what hit me most in this post was the line "For all I know He wants to teach me a lesson that involves hurting my credit score"
I wonder what would be different if you believed that His plans are to prosper you? What if all this angst is His invitation to come out of hiding. Seems to me you believe that coming out of hiding is important...you're half way there.
Look around, do you see Him nearby? I suspect His hand is reaching for you and He is smiling.
Your home is the castle N, not the wasteland. No one is going to kick you out to teach you a lesson...although you are free to leave on your own trying to figure out to make your life work outside the castle. The beauty is He is always waiting to welcome you back where you belong.
That said, our electric bill was the highest ever last month and it felt like a crushing weight when I opened it...and you're right worms won't pay it.
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