LDB

It has taken me most of my life to figure out why the only Christmas carol I really enjoy is Little Drummer Boy. I always have connected emotionally to it, and it still can bring me to tears. Deep within my own fears and skewed beliefs about myself, I find comfort and joy in the last few lines of the song.
Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.

If I were the little drummer boy, my song would sound different. In the face of others who gave impressive gifts of gold or spices, any gift I have would seem too small and insignificant. What could I offer a baby king, the baby King. So I would turn around and go home, in my inability to be worth enough, give enough, be enough for Him to take pleasure and joy in me. Deep within I would be crushed, but would let the world see only a grim acceptance that I need to try harder, do more or get something worth giving. And it is in my insecurity, my self-doubt, my self-abuse, that the song cuts me to the core. I remember hearing it growing up, and thinking how much God would love me if my best was good enough for Him, that He would see my effort and somehow reward it with success. Equating what I did to what made me worthy.

Not until recently have I begun accepting what I know to be God's view of my life. That my value to Him is not restricted by what I do but by what He has done, that my success or failure is not what defines my worth. God doesn't smile at me because I play perfectly. Or because I sound beautiful, or perform well, or entertain Him. God smiles at me because of who I am. It is not because I play well, it is because I play. He takes joy in watching His creation enjoy life, in watching me.

I take pride in being the little drummer boy, that the noise I create is enjoyed by my Savior regardless of how "good" it sounds. And because of that, I play my heart out for Him, I am willing to bare my soul and give Him whatever I can because that is what He desires. His joy gives me strength to give Him more joy. I love feeling my God smile at me.