Breaking me down

Well, I am back here again. This feeling of insecurity, manufactured by my own unwillingness to admit my need for Him, my desire for Him. Why after so many years does my flawed humanity still stubbornly cling to my belief that I can accomplish anything without Him, that I would exist for a split second if He forgot about me. Fool that I am, my basic need for a Savior is only overshadowed by my need for a God. Salvation is easy to obtain, to comprehend even, for me. But perfection? Surely it is far simpler, God, to let me live my life in obscurity and monotony. Let the bland taste better than the sweet and bitter. He is stubborn too. And He can break me easier when I let Him, when I stop moving and panicking long enough for Him to strip off my defenses and heal my injuries. Fool that I am, to think that my festering sores are better of encased in layers of protected armor than in the hands of the One who made me. To call myself insufficient is absolutely correct, to say I am worthless, pathetic and even a failure is to speak truth. But Truth has changed me, made me no longer me, but Him. My insufficiency is swallowed in the awesome power of His Grace, my worth poured from the wounds of the Holy Lamb, my existence is marked only by my name in the Book of Life. He is, will be more than I ever need. My shame, guilt, lust, anger, pride, greed - my sin- nailed Him to the cross. And He left them there, stained and then washed by His blood, no longer a mark against my name but another victory He won. I am free, clean and whole in Him. It is good to be back.