This current pain

This is a new approach to blogging for me. I promised my lovely wife, M, that I would blog alongside her as she starts looking at life in a new way. There have been some very difficult decisions that we have made over the last month or so that I will get more into as this blog changes and time moves forward.
For today however I want to comment on a specific thing my wife is struggling with. Heck, that I am struggling with. Where is God in all of the pain we are going through?

We have been going through infertility for two years. Two years of hopes dashed and tears shed. Two years of negative tests and doctors best guesses. One surgery, countless appointments. Pills. Invasive procedures. In all reality I haven't gone through it at all, my wife has. She has borne the brunt of the pain and the heartache and the loss. I have had to stand on the sidelines with tears in my eyes as she was repeatedly beaten down by the very dreams she holds so closely. What am I supposed to do? How can I try to fight in her place in a battle that is going on in her heart? When she asks me why God isn't answering her prayers, what am I supposed to say?

She doubts God, like Thomas doubted God, like Job doubted God, like I have doubted God. But Thomas felt the scars, Job heard His voice, I saw changes happen. She hasn't. I am left holding the hands of an emotionally battered, fragile, shattered creature that I love with all my heart. And so I look to Him and ask, Why? Why can't this have been easy for us? How can this be something so many people have happen naturally and easily and all to often when they don't even want it to, but we can't when we try to hard and want it so badly? I can't pay for the advanced treatments and the surrogacy options and the things that you read and hear about other couples trying. I feel like I let her down and I rage at God for leaving her there, leaving us there.

I cling to one thing in all of this: That the God I serve will not leave his children alone in their pain. We are not promised a life of happiness and sunshine and daisies. But we are promised a God who will walk through the fire and the flood with us, even when we cannot see Him. So what can I do? What can I say to this wonderful woman I am eternally connected to?

To M: I cannot fix this. I cannot make the sun shine on your heart all the time. But I can hold your heart. I can dry your tears. I can watch over your heart and help you find value and goodness in yourself. I can tell you I will never let you go. I can never stop fighting for you. I can love you until the the nightmares stop and the dreams can be felt again. I can tell you the truths about yourself that the enemy would love for you to disbelieve. I can try to be the hands of God where you cannot hear His voice or see His face. And I will be. Always.

The celebration

I had forgotten how long we had been fighting long ago. The exhaustion and pain turn into a dull ache. The weight of my sword grows heavier, my gashed and battered armor makes every movement a strain.  It seemed like there we always more enemies, for every one that we cut down, another jumped into his place. Their weapons would occasionally slide through a gap in my armor when I wasn't concentrating and small rivulets of blood turned to a small pool at my feet. The thought of quitting or fleeing or dying never enters our minds. There is too much that we are fighting for. We are protecting those we love, those we care about, failure is not an option.  But the fight can't go on forever can it? We can't out last our enemy, we are just humans.

And then He came. Some would have said an army couldn't crush the enemy force, but He did it all alone. I couldn't even really tell what happened, because while he came crashing into the battle line, the world seemed to fade away to blackness for me. 

My eyes opened to brilliant light. Light that was brighter than the sun, light that seemed to emanate from everything because when I looked down there were no shadows. I had to squint at first, for fear of blinding my eyes with the brilliance of the place I was in. I realized was still in my armor, still covered in blood, grime, sweat and gore. My sword was still in my hand, bathed in the dark blood of the monsters we fought, pitted, nicked, battered and dulled by the constant fighting. 

And then I saw the room I was in. Pure gold covered the floor, enormous pillars of ivory and marble held a ceiling of pure blue sky, the impossible melded with beautiful in a perfect display of incredible light. There was an huge crowd of people, clothed in beautiful robes and swirling in a crazy party the likes of which I had never seen. The food and music seemed to change every moment but was perfect at all times somehow. And I saw Him in the crowd, the shining center of the room no matter where he happened to be. The golden throne at the far end of the room sat empty while he enjoyed the revelry with His people. And the room was full of light because of Him. I don't know how that makes sense, or  how I knew it, but it is the truth. 

I felt shame for a brief moment. I had somehow crashed His victory party in an outfit covered in dirt and grime. I didn't fit in, the party swirled around but didn't get near me. But strangely enough, I started to see my the evidence of battle start to fade from my armor. The dried blood and dirt started disappearing from the crevices and gashes, my sword started repairing itself, gleaming in the light. I was wearing the most perfect battle garb ever created, when a moment ago I appeared to have just come from a lifelong war, which I had. 

Then He spoke to me from the throne, His booming but gentle voice stopping the party immediately, but not stopping the air of excitement in the room or the joy in the revelers. "My loyal and brave warrior, welcome to the victory celebration. Why do you not join in the party?"

Instinct took over, I dropped to my knees and bowed my head as a good soldier should in the presence of his King. My voice shook a bit, but the words seemed to be clear enough. "My King, I don't fit in with your party. I am fresh from battle and I fear I would be a distraction. Your victory should be celebrated without me bringing it down."

When He spoke again, His voice was quieter and right next to me and there seemed to be a smile in it. "My son, I didn't win the fight to take a victory. I didn't arrive on the battlefield to defeat the enemy. I charged in for you. This isn't My victory celebration. This is the party to celebrate you, the battles you fought, the war you waged, the blood you spilled in My name. I didn't win the fight for this party, I won it to rescue you. Now lets join the party again, I have so many people I want you to meet.'

It sounds crazy, but this is one of my favorite pictures of heaven. I know it isn't theologically perfect, but I feel like it is what I am able to imagine at this point.  

My Omega

Lord, be my Omega today. You exist outside of this fragile timeline, you know where the story has already ended in your eyes. When this fragile sandbox that we tend to think is the sum of our existence is shattered and gone, You will remain. When time is no longer even a concept, the reality is still You.

You watched me walk down dark paths, down roads full of shame and regret. You have seen my fears and my failures, You know when my pride has made me stumble. You are not just walking beside me in this life, You are at the end, You were at the beginning. And my greatest hope is that I can get a taste of who You are to me at the end of my life, at the end of all that we cling to in this world. You are already where I will be when the we watch your blessings come rolling into our lives. You are already where I will stand when hopes and dreams become reality and substance. You are where faith is no longer required and the future is already done and gone. How incredible it must be to see me flounder around it this thing we call time, see the doubts and hopes and already know what is going to happen.

And so I ask, be my Omega today. Be my end. Be the comforter of my soul because the day will come when my soul won't ever need comforting again. Fill me with the understanding that no matter what happens You are still what remains, and let me see the peace of what that brings. I don't ask for glimpses of the future, just the knowledge of who You are when the future comes.

You will get all glory and honor and power and praise. You will be our light and our breath and the joy that we will feel will be the joy of being in Your presence. Bring me closer to that today, give me a hint of what You are when You are all that is.

six months again

it seems like it was yesterday
you and i in conversation
but mainly me talking
you listening as only God can.
i told you i wanted six months
three years ago, almost
you answered and changed me
changed where i was and what i did.
im back here now but differently
i still want those six months
but instead of an ultimatum for you
i want this to be a challenge for me.
make me better, make me more
make me into who i need to be
make me patient and humble
make me glimpse your five year plan
make my heart care less about me
make my job be a path not a climb
make my work be a means not an end
make me more like you
make me less like who i have been
make me get out of your way.
i know i don't have the ability
but i do know i have the words
six months, Giver of Gifts
six months, King of Heaven
six months, my Lord and God
six months to see your glory
change my life once again.

Thief

My wife is a huge Disney fan. She grew up with the classics and the stories of the Disney princesses especially play a big role in her story. Cinderella is and has always been her favorite because of the hope and dreams it created in her as a little girl, that there are happily ever afters and the Prince Charming will search an entire kingdom for her.
Recently, however, Disney has made movies of fail. I think Mulan is the last princess that M likes (although she likes her more than any others apparently). And if you take Pixar out of he mix, Beauty and the Beast is the last good movie Disney had made in some time. Until Tangled came out.
I didn't even know that Tangled came out. If i did notice, i didn't think it would be nearly as good as it is. If you have not seen Tangled, go watch it right now, rent it, but it, netflix.com, whatever you have to do because it is fantastic. M told me it made her cry the first time she saw it because it speaks so much to her story. When i saw it, i realized exactly how much and why. There are parts of that story that make me angry, parts that make me sad and even parts that make me just watch her watching the movie and hold her tight while we both get a bit teary eyed. If you don't know the movie and don't know M very well it may not make much sense, but Tangled is in my top 3 emotional animated movies (alongside Monsters inc and Up). And Tangled is making me seriously look at getting a tattoo.
I am already ready to get a tattoo on my back saying ,The Last Centurion, for reasons i have already mentioned, but this is something that came out of the blue for me. I am going to get 'her thief' on me somewhere. I dont know where yet, or when, or what it will exactly look like. I am going to get that tattoo because finally i can relate to the hero in a Disney movie. He isn't a good guy when he movie starts, he doesn't have a flawless character or a winning personality. Instead he is just trying do something very simple to get back something she has. But as they travel, he learns who she is, what her story is, what she wants out of life and it shakes his world. Everything he thought was important became completely worthless in comparison to her and he is willing to do anything to protect her and keep her safe. He isn't trying to get the happily ever after for the two of them, just for her, because he sees the prison she endures to the benefit of others. His one final act changes everything and gives her the chance to be who she is. In the end it does work out, but to me, the story  could have ended on that very sad note and while it would have been  depressing, it would have been incredible.
To me, being her thief means that i stole her away, that i didn't need to be Prince Charming in my eyes to be that in hers, that if i can only do one thing in my life it is to break her free and give her the ability to truly be who she is. I am proud of my wife, proud of who she is and what she has become in the last five years. She is able to run around in the grass and experience the lights in ways that she never has before and i am glad i get to enjoy her happiness.

The Last Centurion

"I wish I could tell you that you'll be loved. That you'll be safe and cared for and protected. But this isn't the time for lies. What you are going to be, Melody, is very very brave. But not as brave as they all have to be. Because there's somebody coming. I don't know where he is, or what he's doing, but trust me. He's on his way.

"There's a man who's never going to let us down. And not even an army can get in the way. He's the last of his kind. He looks young but he's lived for hundreds and hundreds of years. And wherever they take you, Melody, however scared you are, I promise you, you will never be alone. Because this man is your father. He has a name, but the people of our world know him better... as the last Centurion." - Amy Pond A Good Man Goes to War

To anyone who doesn't watch Doctor Who, that quote probably doesn't mean much. I get chills reading it. To quickly describe the scene, Amy has been captured by a group of people who are trying to kill the Doctor. Through the entirety of her time with the Doctor there has been tension between her and her husband, Rory. Repeatedly, Amy has reinforced for her husband that he is the one she loves, cares about, and relies on. Rory spent 2000 years as a plastic-man Roman Centurion standing guard over her (seriously). And so, Amy is telling her daughter Rory about how her father is coming to save her.

As a man, that quote is unbelievably accurate to what I want as a man and someday a father. I want my wife to be able to tell my children that I will never let them down, that they will never be alone, that I will always find them, that I will never let them down. I want to be a superhero for my children. I know I blog a lot about being a hero and taking on the world. This is different.See, Rory doesn't have any superpowers, Rory isn't the Doctor. He is just a man who is solely focused on protecting and rescuing his family and he will stop at nothing, be stopped by nothing in his duty to his family.

I don't know what to do with that right now. That scene provokes a lot of emotion in me, a lot of deep running thoughts that hit at the core of who I want to be. I don't have any children right now, so I can only hope to know that that is how they will view me, how they will know me. But I want to be their Last Centurion, I want them to know I would stand guard by them for centuries, that though all Hell and a fleet of Cybermen may stand between us that I will not give up, I will not fail them. I don't need to be the Doctor, I just need to be Nathan for my children.

Four years ago today, I vowed to my wife that I would always be here for her. Oddly enough, I had already done that.

Four years ago today, I vowed to my wife that I would always love her. Again, that wasn't the first time she heard it.

Four years ago today.

It seems strange to think that a single moment, a single day, is held so important in our culture. To me, if your spouse heard anything new or special in your wedding vows, you were not ready to get married to them. Marriage isn't about a major change in your relationship. It is (mostly) a formal declaration of those emotions and promises already made in private or in your own mind. I decided (and yes I use that word for a reason), that I loved my wife after dating her for a month and feeling her absence from me for a very short time. But that didn't mean I didn't tell her that I loved her this morning. And just because I miss her when I am away, doesn't mean I don't tell her that because she knows it already.

To me, the wedding ceremony is a very important, yet very small, stepping stone in a relationship. It is not a pivotal moment. It is not a catalytic event. It doesn't change you. It is the starting point of the single most life-changing event (aside from salvation) in a humans life. The big change isn't the wedding. It is waking up the next morning next to the only other person that matters. And it is going to bed three weeks later next to the only person in life that matters. It is eating lunch, and going to the movies, and enjoying the sunsets, and holding their tears.

But it all starts at the altar. Or before the altar. Maybe it starts at birth with some cosmic thread connecting souls. Maybe it starts somewhere in the choices and circumstances that change our lives. Maybe it starts with the gleam in the eye, love at first sight thing. Maybe it starts on the first date, or second, or third. I don't have the answers, I just know it is there.

In the end, the wedding day is a very special day to me, not because of what was said, or what was done, but because of who I married. Believe it or not, guys, the wedding is for her. It is her moment of glory and her chance to be the beautiful princess she has always wanted to be. All the chaos, the confusion, the formality and the general nuttiness of the day are for her. And (if you have done your part right) she is worth it. She is worth every moment, every dollar, every drop of sweat and blood, every last ounce of yourself.

Four years ago today, I vowed to my wife that I would always be here for her. She will never forget that I had already told her that.

Four years ago today, I vowed to my wife that I would always love her. And she will never forget that she already knew it.

Four years ago today, my life changed, my heart stayed the same, and my world became a better place.

God as the DM

In my last D&D related post, I may have confused some folks with some of my word choices, so I am going to be very up front about this. God is not a Dungeon Master. This is not a breakdown of deep theological elements or even a categorical review of the nature of God (that is a separate item). This is just me trying to analyze one small aspect of the nature of God and how I can see a reflection of that in every day life. So with that being said...

God is a DM. Honestly that is the simplest way to explain it. All things considered, when I try to wrap my brain around how an all-powerful, all-knowing God lets us run around in our puny little lives with this thing called "free will" and yet still maintaining His "will" I end up with a cerebral sprain. So I will try to explain this new analysis of an extremely deep concept in the smallest words possible.

In tabletop roleplaying games -whether D&D, Star Wars, GURPS, Vampire or any of the other unknown number of titles- there are two main types of people. There are the players (I am one currently) and the Game Master (aka Dungeon Master/DM/GM). I have been both at various times in the very short period I have enjoyed this genre of gaming. The DM is the glue for the game, he knows the story (where it is going and where it has been), he knows the players, he knows the bad things, and most of all he has absolute control over what happens. The DM is responsible for making the players feel a part of the story, but will (in most cases) fit any actions that the players take into the story without having it change the intended outcome. After my time "behind the screen" I understand that drawing the players into a storyline that has been precreated for them is a matter of appealing to each player and, to one degree or another, using the carrot/stick method to get them into the story. The DM also knows the rules, and is able to bend/break them or create new ones when needed. In the end, the DM decides what is right and wrong, not the players, and as such also determines the outcome of those decisions.

In my mind, God is not so different (albeit on a much larger, grander, omnipotent deity scale). God is in charge of the story. He has been in charge since before a day 1 was even thought of. God knows the players (us) more intimately than we do. God knows the bad stuff (even the bad stuff we create all on our own). And, yes, God has absolute control over what happens. God pulls, pushes, drives us in our lives through this story He has created. God wrote the rules, so He obviously knows what they are all about. Additionally, He is able to adjust them as He deems fit (see "miracles" for physical rules and "animals in a sheet" for morality/spiritual rules).

Now, if I haven't completely lost you, or driven you to start screaming "Heresy!" at the top of your lungs while storming around murmuring how wrong I am, I would also propose that we are players. That may not sound crazy, so to get more outside the religion box: my opinion is that my relationship with God should be vaguely comparable to my relationship with my DM. My interactions with "Man upstairs" need to look more like my interactions with the "man behind the screen". As a player, I am dependent upon the DM to show me the outcome of my actions, good or bad. As a player, I need to maintain a consistent relationship in the game with my DM to allow my actions to work more fluently with the story he has created. I want to know where he wants us to be, what his motivations are, and recognize that while I may not understand why the story is going where it is, that he is, in the end, looking out for my best interest -keeping the game fun, inviting and positive.

I am dependent upon God to show me how to live, how to interact, how to walk along in His will. I need the consistent relationship with God to understand where I am in relationship to where He wants me to be. I need to know that His motivations for me are based out of love and that even when I don't understand where He is going with my life, that He does care more about me than anything else in the world.

God doesn't have the failings of a human DM. God doesn't have to roll dice to determine some outcomes. God is God. But to my poor little brain, He is the DM running this game we call life.

Restarting

It seems,

that in my attempt to

begin again, I find myself

unable to move

to think, progress

and so I step away.

It is easy to forget

in the moment

in the busy

in the chaos

in the energy that consumes my day,

sometimes connecting with God

is less about finding the time

and more about losing

more about letting me go

more about less of this

less of that

less of that thing I spend every day trying to achieve

less of me.

And so it is easy to stay busy,

to immerse myself into the void of crowd and noise

to revel in the mud

to spend my time looking down

instead of up.

And so I try to restart,

try to overcome

to compensate

to feel on my own that which I am incapable of doing.

To try to claw my way back to the cross

all on my own

not out of shame

but out of anxiety

out of missing out on You.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

So here I go.

Lord, I can be an idiot. Scratch that. I am an idiot a lot of the time. So I am going to get back to writing. Because that is how I open up and get out all the stuff that I think about all the time. Its how I sit at the cross and look at the sky. So I will try to do this a lot more often.

Being a Hero

I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons for two years now. It all started with two of my favorite webcomics, PvP and PennyArcade, and their respective authors starting a podcast recording their game sessions. As a long time geek, I had known quite a bit about D&D for years, including the nonsensical uninformed "Christian" groups that condemned the hobby for years. I formed a group of players (4 guys I knew and my wife) and became their DM (dungeon master), guiding the adventure and playing the part of the Non-Player Characters, including the bad guys. That first group stayed together for six or eight months before falling apart. I continued the D&D hobby with one of my players, this time as a player, and have enjoyed every encounter, adventure, character and crazy moment.
The D&D world is composed of three different groups of people. First, there are the Monsters -of every shape, size, motivation and mindset. Not all monsters are evil, some are just greedy, some are misguided, some are undead or mindless drones. In most circumstances, to the players, monsters are walking banks of treasure, new shiny weapons and -above all- experience.
Then there are the Inhabitants, the NPCs who are not the bad guys. The local inn-keeper, town guards, the child playing in the street, all either oblivious to the existence of the monsters or resigned to the fact that they are powerless to stop them. They need the third and final group, the Heroes.
Heroes are not all good. They are not always knights in shining armor come to save the world. They can be cowards, greedy, selfish, even evil themselves. The only difference is that when the chips are down, when the world calls out (and has rewards), the heroes are the only ones who can save the day. They can -and often have to- think beyond the easy and simple answer. They can because they are the only ones who are played by the players.
I long to see myself as a Hero. I have felt like a Monster. But I usually end up being an Inhabitant. Not bad, not good enough. Able to see the evil and chaos, but feeling unable to make a difference. And it feels very hopeless. And I get a small taste of what I truly want to be, truly want to feel when I play D&D. More than the friends I have made, more than the excitement and laughter, I play to hope. Hope more for myself, hope to impact the world, hope that over time I can put up my mundane Inhabitant existence and grab my metaphorical sword and face the darkness this world needs rescuing from.
I'm not there yet. I'm still sitting in the corner, looking at that razor sharp sword hanging on the wall. But every once in a while, I get the courage to walk over, take down the sword and feel the strength and just general badass-ness of being a Hero. And at the end of that moment, I put the sword back, not having faced the Monsters. But each time I grab that sword, I hold onto it longer and I get one more step closer to the door between me and the darkness outside.

Family

On Sunday my family met at my parents house to celebrate my mom's birthday and to get together before Christmas because we would not be able to all be together for it. My family is not perfect. For a long time, I think, we tried to be. Or at least tried to look like it. But all of that has changed recently, for the better, and has shifted the mood of our gatherings. I can walk into their house and be more open and honest with everyone than I ever could when I lived there, I can see the troubles, the pain, the emotions running underneath the exterior. I have a younger sister who is pushing to find herself and what she is called to be. I have a younger brother who just wants to be connected to us, to me, more than anything. I have an older brother and his wife who share a dynamic far different than my wife and I, but they enjoy each other (and I think are feeling more free to do so around others). I have parents who have gone through a lot of drama, chaos and pain over the last few years, and can come out on the other side and see that truth is better than illusion (no matter how dangerous or different). And I have grandparents that impact each and every one of us differently (even if we don't get to see them as much as we would like).

My family is not perfect. There are issues and problems, conversations that still need to be had, tears to be shed, old wounds that need healing, new wounds that need attention. But it was nice seeing my family together and the difference a few years makes.

Hero

Skillet again "Hero"
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time

Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives
And we're not ready to die
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero, I've got a hero
Living in me

My wife calls me her hero. I have trouble accepting that title, because I struggle with who I am. To me a hero risks everything to rescue or save someone that would be lost without that effort, regardless of the past or future actions of the rescued. Heroes are never wanted, they are only needed. Hero is not a job description, it is choice, a decision. Options are not weighed, there is no pro-con list, no polling, no popular opinions. A hero risks simply because it needs to be done.

I struggle with the idea of having enough worth to God for Him to rescue me. "God, if you only realized what I was, You would not have done this for me." "God, you must have not noticed my life, the problems I have when you saved me." "Really, God? You are sure about this? I am so not worth it." I can write a pro-con list for God. It is pretty easy. The pro side is sparse to say the least. So goes my logic. My very flawed logic.

The problem in my reasoning is pretty simple. Isaiah 44:24a "Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, and the one who formed you from the womb..." God new me in the womb, created me, crafted me, saw who I was before I was, knew what I would become, who I could be, how He can use me. And He was my Redeemer then. At that moment, where the infinite past was present, He was my Savior, my rescuer, my Hero. His love for me does not stem from any action of mine, from any value I accumulate or waste away. There is no pro-con list. I was not a tough decision. He did not deliberate. He knew the moment He started weaving me together that I was valuable to Him. His actions make me worth it. My very creation is what lets me deserve His salvation. He is Creator-Redeemer for a reason, the two are inextricably linked. To remove one is to lose the picture of who He is, Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End.

At the moment of my creation, He knew I would need Him. Before I could imagine needing to be rescued, He rescued me. And fool that I am, I decide that I don't want Him. I, who need Him, need His grace every moment, come to the conclusion that I am ok on my own for the moment. And if/when my world collapses, I will want Him then. Laying on my back under a pile of rubble, or in a burning building, or caught in a raging flash flood, I try to cope, to survive on my own, until I can't control my life any more. I am the idiotic person who tries to resist the rescue.

So I come to the same conclusion again. I (the idiotic human) need to put Him (the all-knowing God of all that has ever existed) in control. See wasn't that easy?
To my wife: Thank you for needing a hero. And for letting me be your hero.
To my Lord: I exist because of You. I need no other value, no other worth than that. You sustain my life because You made it, and made it worth enough to save me. Remind me that You are my Hero when I forget.

Lies and Love

This song came on on my Pandora radio station, it reached inside of me, grabbed the lies I believe and ripped them out. Skillet "Whispers in the Dark" Ignore the video, listen to the song and read the lyrics. It is not a real worship song, but it is impossible to deny the truth inside.

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is a burning, consuming fire

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay there broken and naked
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is a burning, consuming fire

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark

As I sit here, eating my lunch, I re-acknowledge that the fears I have of His love, fear of losing it, fear of not measuring up, not being able to perform well enough, are not based on Him. My fears are founded in my selfish pride.
If I am in any way capable of deflecting, refusing, stopping, cutting off, or changing the love my God has for me, then I am setting myself far higher than I could ever truly be. It is not a mere whim that causes Him to love me, no random chance or choice of convenience. His very nature demands His love for us. He cannot deny who He is, or that He is love (1 John 4:8). The love He shows me, has shown me, will always show me, is an outpouring of who He is.

More to come on this later.

Ambition

The greatest thing for us to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfill God’s purpose, not our own. In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own.
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 3rd.

I say I don't have ambitions. I declare myself dream-free, that the place, the condition, the state of being, in which I currently am is all that I need to achieve some sense of fulfillment or satisfaction. I call it being free, looking for what God wants in my life, not seeing the purpose I am supposed to have in the moment.

But the truth is that I fear myself.

I fear that in my self-contempt I will create a dream so meaningless and yet unreachable that I will spend a whole lifetime trying to fulfill a worthless dream. I shroud my shallow muzzle in the trappings of imitation righteousness, not completely false, but a misdirection, a feint. "If God has plans for me, I will take that as my dream." The words out of my mouth fail to cover the doubt shouting in my mind, "Failure is not an option, you know where the empty, broken dreams leave you. Protect yourself."

So here I sit, about to start a book study on the Journey of Desire, yet filled with a lack of the very thing I would love to claim to be an expert on. I am afraid that I will dream too much or dream too little. I ache for the lost ability to ask like a child asks a father. "Can I have a pony?" is as equally hard to say as "Can I have a gumball?". I fear that if I ask too much, desire too deeply, and have so badly missed what I was supposed to want that in the fulfilling of what truly will satisfy me, I am left looking for the one gift under the tree that I didn't get. And I fear the shame of asking for the temporal, the momentary, those fleeting accomplishments and gains that will not leave this world, just because I am supposed to want more.

What is more for me? In a vast sea of dreams, unending ocean of desires and ambitions, how do I know what more is? So I bitterly cling to the dry land, watching the waves come in, thinking that one of them is right, just not that one. Or that one. Or that one. And as time rocks along, and days turn into years, the waves look the same. After all, I can't just pick any wave. What if it is not for me? What if it is really meant for someone else to enjoy, to achieve?

Who am I kidding, the waves terrify me. Let the others play in the water, I will tell them I am ok where I am. That I like the dusty earth and hot sun, that more is for other people. I am tired of waiting, tired of watching. How do dreams start again?

LDB

It has taken me most of my life to figure out why the only Christmas carol I really enjoy is Little Drummer Boy. I always have connected emotionally to it, and it still can bring me to tears. Deep within my own fears and skewed beliefs about myself, I find comfort and joy in the last few lines of the song.
Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
So to honor Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
When we come.

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum,
On my drum?

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him, pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him, pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,
Then He smiled at me, pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum.

If I were the little drummer boy, my song would sound different. In the face of others who gave impressive gifts of gold or spices, any gift I have would seem too small and insignificant. What could I offer a baby king, the baby King. So I would turn around and go home, in my inability to be worth enough, give enough, be enough for Him to take pleasure and joy in me. Deep within I would be crushed, but would let the world see only a grim acceptance that I need to try harder, do more or get something worth giving. And it is in my insecurity, my self-doubt, my self-abuse, that the song cuts me to the core. I remember hearing it growing up, and thinking how much God would love me if my best was good enough for Him, that He would see my effort and somehow reward it with success. Equating what I did to what made me worthy.

Not until recently have I begun accepting what I know to be God's view of my life. That my value to Him is not restricted by what I do but by what He has done, that my success or failure is not what defines my worth. God doesn't smile at me because I play perfectly. Or because I sound beautiful, or perform well, or entertain Him. God smiles at me because of who I am. It is not because I play well, it is because I play. He takes joy in watching His creation enjoy life, in watching me.

I take pride in being the little drummer boy, that the noise I create is enjoyed by my Savior regardless of how "good" it sounds. And because of that, I play my heart out for Him, I am willing to bare my soul and give Him whatever I can because that is what He desires. His joy gives me strength to give Him more joy. I love feeling my God smile at me.

Tension

In the middle.
Caught, aware, of the puzzle that I am in,
Where I go,
defining not just what I do, but who I am.
Do I rely on my intellect,
My strength, determination, work,
My compulsive desire to know
What is before me, what to do, end results,
Left in the tension of faith, risk and peace.
Pulling from every side, dynamic, change,
Reality calls me to set aside my dreams,
Visions of grandeur suppressed, depressed,
Pulled back down to earth by the process.
Not knowing leads to not deciding,
Not deciding leads to remaining,
Remaining leads to defeat,
Defeat leads to my knees in prayer,
Prayer leads me to hope, to dream,
Dreams lead me to desire vision,
Desire leads to stillness, quiet,
Quiet leads me to not knowing.
Endless cycle of interwoven emotion,
Cascading over me, driving me, pulling me.
To risk more than me, more than my future,
Leaves a fear of failure, doubt, self-doubt.
If I cannot continue, where do I go?
Down, up, left, right, forward, backward.
A blank slate, clear of obstacles,
Becomes an obstacle in itself.
Without goals, why go anywhere?
But looking for goals leads back to me,
My deepest core of my being is ... what?
Who am I beneath the layers of chaos,
Created to keep me afloat, stay "normal",
Layers of hiding, unsure of what lies below,
After living to please, to fit in,
What remains to seek, to hope?
Is my desire from one of my layers,
From one of my masks I wear to exist?
Is it from that core that I don't know,
Cannot remember, only hope to see?
Grace is forgiving, but doesn't pay much,
Faith cannot sign my paycheck.
Or can it, can I live in the moment?
Forgetting about my insecurities,
My frailty, my doubt, my disbelief,
For long enough to acknowledge,
The One who called me into being,
His strength, His peace, His safety.
In my failing, He is holy,
In my doubt, He is proven,
In my sin, He is forgiveness,
In my shame, He is grace,
In my anger, He is peace,
In my disbelief, He is truth.
Where did I let myself, make myself,
Become what I needed to "survive",
To exist, to stay enough ahead,
To get through the day, week, year.
When He calls for more, calls for greater,
Reality is what He sees,
Not what I adjust myself to.
My cynicism, "realism",
Just exposes my lack of,
Need for His Truth, direction.
He sees me as greater,
He sees me as perfect,
He sees me as holy,
He sees me as righteous,
He sees me as free,
He sees me covered by blood,
Shed for my sin, my shame, my doubt,
That when I cannot see,
He sees what He created,
And He enjoys me.
In the tension, in the process,
He is.

On Worship

Last night was a profound experience. Mike and the worship team did a fantastic job leading us into the throne room of God. There have been a few times when I have opened my heart in worship and last night was one of them.
The flip side of that incredible time was my trying to follow it. It is exceptionally disconcerting to have to jump up and be speaking after such a moving worship time. There is no way to transition into whatever I am saying. So I just have to start talking.
Mike (and all of the team), thank you so much for doing what you do, week in and week out. You spend your time and energy (and talent) to give us an avenue to connect with God in ways that we often don't get to. I am honored to be the follow up act to that, and indeed feel insufficient and inadequate. You guys take all my energy and let me channel it into worship. It is a joy to work with all of you.

My Cerilene

I am really not a music person. I like to listen to music, it helps me relax or focus (depending on my mood), it lets me feel emotion without thinking about anything in particular. There are a few songs that I would consider extremely emotional. "Little Drummer Boy" heads that list, I cannot sing that song without wanting to cry. But also on that list is "Cerilene" by Sister Hazel. Here are the lyrics:

On final approach my brother and I, we were so sure
Knew exactly the plans we'd made and what we were here for
Didn't have a care in the world, got by day by day
Struggled with the plans we'd made who was I anyway
Workin' on both night and day, in a famous rock and roll cafe
Never thought I'd meet a girl for me
Never thought I'd meet a girl called Cerilene

Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams

Walked along the beach there hand in hand, it felt like a dream
But things that felt so good were never real or so it seemed
The magic that this girl possessed
Changed the heart of a child to a man (to a man)
Through the warmth of love his dreams and drive had direction again
A girl who strongly believes in me, and visions that we both could see
As one of my dreams, it came to an end
My life and love felt whole again

(Chorus)

I've grown to love this family, my friends
And this woman that I've found
Just as much as the family I left in a small, small Southern town
On a day the island breezes brought my loved ones here with me
We made our families one, I love you, oh I love you Cerilene

Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams
Cerilene, share my life with me, on this island oh, fulfill my dreams
Cerilene, oh Cerilene
Cerilene, (share my life, share my life with me)
Oh Cerilene

To M, my Cerilene: my greatest achievment, my crowning success is that I was smart enough to see you and man enough to get you. When you need me, I will be there, when life is dark, we will sit in the dark together, and when the road becomes smooth and easy, we will enjoy it together.

U-turn

Well, I have hit the wall. Yay. I have got the whole thing sorted out. Except that at this moment I am kinda forcing John 1 to flow. It just isn't working for me. So I am scrapping that. No more teaching from John. I am going to do Ezekiel. It has been on my heart for six years now. I need to do Z. So here we go.

(Why is it so hard to let God use me? I know He wants me to do this at some point, so why did I instantly want to go all philosophical and do some stuff that doesn't impact my heart as much? I love John 1 alot, and raising Lazarus, and some other stuff but it isn't me. My wife is right. I gotta teach from Z.)

Pacing

I spent 10 minutes pacing last night (while waiting for my wife) trying to sort out how to start the first message I am giving to the Call next Sunday. I know what I am going to say, how everything connects, but I am still working out how to start it.

I joined the Call my freshman year at college. My brother had been involved in it (to a small degree) and had lent Mark Johnson (the singles Pastor over the Call) one of my swords for a visual aid. So before I even attended, the man in charge knew who I was. I joined a Forum of Four that first year, and got to know some guys pretty well.

As the years progressed I got more involved. I started going to Guys Night/Community Group at Mark and Tracy's house. I played softball and basketball for Wayside Chapel and even started going to Sunday worship and classes. My social life was centered in the Call. I didn't hang with people from college, except when a project required it. I eventually pulled out of working with the benevolence ministry I had been a part of for 7 years. And I became more focused on what God was doing with me and in me.

Mark does not excell at large scale teaching. He is solid as a speaker, gives good insight and keeps everyone's attention, but I feel that he only did it because it was in the job description. Mark and Tracy are heart seekers. In a casual group setting they can get rather introverted people like me to open up and share about our lives. Our darkest moments and our brightest days are welcomed and protected in the environments they create.

One on one they cut through the crap in our lives, rejecting the trite and easy answers about who we are and how we are doing. An "I'm OK" doesn't really cut it with them. They are willing to ask the questions that I so desire to be asked when I try to hide behind my church-face facade. My wife didn't believe me when I told her how they strip off the protection we put up to hide our pain. She believes me now, having gone through that painful and difficult process. For me to open up took courage, for her to open up took risk. I was seeking to avoid looking at my problems, to let life rock on and that eventually my difficulties would be so far behind that they wouldn't affect me much. But that isn't possible for someone who wants to be close to the Johnson family. Their openness and straight talk don't allow for hiding.

Over the last six years I have had the priviledge and honor of having them speak into my life, in ways that I would never have allowed any one else to. And next Sunday will be the first Call I have ever been at where there is no Mark and Tracy. They have been called by God to a different path, at a different church. And although they are, and will be, a large part of my life, I am not sure how the Call will survive. They were the main reason I was there. The main reason alot of people were there.

My hope and prayer (as I keep mentally pacing) is that I can continue, for a short time, to give insight from my heart and Scripture to the singles in the Call. That God will use me, over the next 3 months or so, to give the members of the Call a smooth transition into the next phase of the ministry.

Mark and Tracy, you have left very large shoes to fill, and many hearts that will keep going to you for guidance and insight. May God bless you as you journey forward, and may He use you in more and better ways for His Glory.