Being a Hero

I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons for two years now. It all started with two of my favorite webcomics, PvP and PennyArcade, and their respective authors starting a podcast recording their game sessions. As a long time geek, I had known quite a bit about D&D for years, including the nonsensical uninformed "Christian" groups that condemned the hobby for years. I formed a group of players (4 guys I knew and my wife) and became their DM (dungeon master), guiding the adventure and playing the part of the Non-Player Characters, including the bad guys. That first group stayed together for six or eight months before falling apart. I continued the D&D hobby with one of my players, this time as a player, and have enjoyed every encounter, adventure, character and crazy moment.
The D&D world is composed of three different groups of people. First, there are the Monsters -of every shape, size, motivation and mindset. Not all monsters are evil, some are just greedy, some are misguided, some are undead or mindless drones. In most circumstances, to the players, monsters are walking banks of treasure, new shiny weapons and -above all- experience.
Then there are the Inhabitants, the NPCs who are not the bad guys. The local inn-keeper, town guards, the child playing in the street, all either oblivious to the existence of the monsters or resigned to the fact that they are powerless to stop them. They need the third and final group, the Heroes.
Heroes are not all good. They are not always knights in shining armor come to save the world. They can be cowards, greedy, selfish, even evil themselves. The only difference is that when the chips are down, when the world calls out (and has rewards), the heroes are the only ones who can save the day. They can -and often have to- think beyond the easy and simple answer. They can because they are the only ones who are played by the players.
I long to see myself as a Hero. I have felt like a Monster. But I usually end up being an Inhabitant. Not bad, not good enough. Able to see the evil and chaos, but feeling unable to make a difference. And it feels very hopeless. And I get a small taste of what I truly want to be, truly want to feel when I play D&D. More than the friends I have made, more than the excitement and laughter, I play to hope. Hope more for myself, hope to impact the world, hope that over time I can put up my mundane Inhabitant existence and grab my metaphorical sword and face the darkness this world needs rescuing from.
I'm not there yet. I'm still sitting in the corner, looking at that razor sharp sword hanging on the wall. But every once in a while, I get the courage to walk over, take down the sword and feel the strength and just general badass-ness of being a Hero. And at the end of that moment, I put the sword back, not having faced the Monsters. But each time I grab that sword, I hold onto it longer and I get one more step closer to the door between me and the darkness outside.