Last night I fell asleep feeling like someone had sucked every last bit of energy from my body. My mind was numbed and my soul was exhausted. I hadn't been happier in a pretty long while. I guess I get some sort of bizarre healing from letting other people release their emotions and frustrations to me, forcing me to put aside my own "problems" to realize that I am in better shape than I think.
God puts people in our lives that we need to help, that we need to go to and drag kicking and screaming out of the chaos and darkness. And He has given us people who walk beside us. When they get tired, we are their to support them. When we get tired, they hold us up. It comes naturally I suppose, this reliance upon the strength of someone who is there just for that purpose.
So why doesn't it seem to come natural to rely on God? Why do I feel like another human will help me faster than God will? Faster than I will? Is it because I can assume that they do not really know or need to know the dark places of my heart, the parts I cling to and won't give up to my Creator? And God can see the areas where I try to hide my sin and shame. I feel like a fool going to Him, admitting I need His help so desperately, all the while knowing I am holding back on alot of places He needs to see. I feel so much better when I can channel someone elses pain or struggle into a prayer to God, in stead of trying to handle my own. I just wish I could tack on my problems onto the end of those prayers, convince myself that God will just not see what I added and give a blanket healing to the whole package.
Fool that I am to think I could give my problems to an omniscient God, who is the very essence of holiness and love, and have to worry about what He will think. He just sees the blood shed on the cross, my redeemed soul forgiven by the Sacrificial Lamb. I am clean and pure in His sight, and all blemishes are cleansed even before I can mention them.
It is good to be forgiven.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Audio Adrenaline and Disturbed
I am listening to Disturbed again. I know, probably not the best uplifting music to listen to. But at the same time I am pulling all sorts of wonderful truth out of this CD that I actually feel uplifted. Take the title track Indestructible.
I'll have you know
That I've become...
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
From the other side
A terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take a last look around while you're alive
I'm an indestructible master of war
Pretty heavy and violent isn't it. And what is the point? Take a look at Audio Adrenaline's Some Kind of Zombie.
But Im dead to sin like
Some kind of zombie.
I hear you speak and I obey
Some kind of zombie
I walked away from the grave
Some kind of zombie
I will never be afraid
Some kind of zombie
I gave my life away.
Im obliged and obey
Im enslaved to what you say.
Both songs raise the same feeling in me, and for the same reason. I am invincible, indestructible, a thing to be feared. There is no greater weapon than a child of God willing to fall on their knees. And I also strive to be God's zombie, obedient to His word, unswayed, unflagging energy, willingly forced to do the with of the Father.
Now put them together and you get Matthew 16:18:
I also say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it.
We are unstoppable when we do not rely on ourselves. Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. That is what we have to act from, not a place of fear or insufficiency, but of reliance on the one who makes us strong. It is only then that we really achieve our highest calling, laying our will, desires and goals aside so that Christ can use us with power and to His glory.
I'll have you know
That I've become...
Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
From the other side
A terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take a last look around while you're alive
I'm an indestructible master of war
Pretty heavy and violent isn't it. And what is the point? Take a look at Audio Adrenaline's Some Kind of Zombie.
But Im dead to sin like
Some kind of zombie.
I hear you speak and I obey
Some kind of zombie
I walked away from the grave
Some kind of zombie
I will never be afraid
Some kind of zombie
I gave my life away.
Im obliged and obey
Im enslaved to what you say.
Both songs raise the same feeling in me, and for the same reason. I am invincible, indestructible, a thing to be feared. There is no greater weapon than a child of God willing to fall on their knees. And I also strive to be God's zombie, obedient to His word, unswayed, unflagging energy, willingly forced to do the with of the Father.
Now put them together and you get Matthew 16:18:
I also say to you that you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build My church; and the gates of Hades will not overpower it.
We are unstoppable when we do not rely on ourselves. Phillipians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. That is what we have to act from, not a place of fear or insufficiency, but of reliance on the one who makes us strong. It is only then that we really achieve our highest calling, laying our will, desires and goals aside so that Christ can use us with power and to His glory.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Rethinking Secular
I am listening to Disturbed right now. Not exactly "Christian" music. But somehow, in spite of the lack of direct praise to God, it is possible for me to pull some level of understanding about God and humanity from this secular album. The song released to radio a month or so ago, Inside the Fire, goes into the aftermath of suicide. Satan is trying to convince this guy to follow his girlfriend and end the "pain" of life.
Devon lies beyond this portal
Take the word of one immortal
Give your soul to me
For eternity
Release your life
To begin another time with her
End your grief with me
There's another way
Release your life
Take your place inside the fire with her
How is it that this secular band can understand the way Satan works much better than most Christians do? The enticing call to give up grief and sorrow and join her again resonates not only with those who do not know Christ. I do not believe that a Christian who, for whatever reason, takes their own life is condemned for it. Christ bought my life and my death with His blood, and my mistakes or efforts cannot rip me from Him.
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I am secure in my knowledge that Christ is not so willing to let me go as I am willing to let myself go. The prize that He bought by His death on the cross is worth, in His eyes (and sometimes in mine), every moment of agony and drop of blood.
Just a word, to all those who have ever, or will ever consider suicide. Satan is good, very good, at what he does. He is relentless and cunning. But he is also a liar. The deceptions he raises in front of our eyes to blind us to his real goal, the downfall or at least inhibition of our testimony, are painful and often seem to make sense. The attacks Satan makes upon our faith, our family, our lives are just there to get us wondering. "What if God cannot love me because of...? What if no one would even notice I was gone? What is there here for me? Why stay?"
Let me answer. He loves you anyway. We would. Alot. God has a plan for you.
"Thank you Mr. I-Got-It-All-Figured-Out, big help. It isn't that simple. "
Actually it is. It is incredibly simple, in contrast to the extreme complexity of the questions. Go ahead and reason it out in your mind.
The only way God could love you, in spite of all you have done is for Him to love no matter what. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He loved us when we were set against Him, how much more will He love when we seek His face.
For the last three questions, there are lives to be touched, no matter how insignificant and small. Just ask those who are close to you, and if no one is close to you then you should know exactly what to do. God did not place us on this earth to be alone. He gave us people to interact with and influence. Maybe you are not good with talking to people, maybe you need some external influence. Go to your church and become a greeter. Teach Sunday School to five year olds. Sign up for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I worked in a benevolence ministry for seven years. I was affected in countless ways and can only hope that I helped someone along the way. A Christian alone is a Christian who is vulnerable.
I cannot begin to answer the questions you may have in your mind. But I can answer the biggest question of all. There is hope. And peace. Despite whatever circumstances, whatever pressure and stress put on you. Our God is the God who saves. It may not be in our timing, or in our expected way, but God shows up. The fact that I can write this now is my proof. He has rescued me innumerable times, and He will keep me safe and saved.
Devon lies beyond this portal
Take the word of one immortal
Give your soul to me
For eternity
Release your life
To begin another time with her
End your grief with me
There's another way
Release your life
Take your place inside the fire with her
How is it that this secular band can understand the way Satan works much better than most Christians do? The enticing call to give up grief and sorrow and join her again resonates not only with those who do not know Christ. I do not believe that a Christian who, for whatever reason, takes their own life is condemned for it. Christ bought my life and my death with His blood, and my mistakes or efforts cannot rip me from Him.
Romans 8:38-39 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
I am secure in my knowledge that Christ is not so willing to let me go as I am willing to let myself go. The prize that He bought by His death on the cross is worth, in His eyes (and sometimes in mine), every moment of agony and drop of blood.
Just a word, to all those who have ever, or will ever consider suicide. Satan is good, very good, at what he does. He is relentless and cunning. But he is also a liar. The deceptions he raises in front of our eyes to blind us to his real goal, the downfall or at least inhibition of our testimony, are painful and often seem to make sense. The attacks Satan makes upon our faith, our family, our lives are just there to get us wondering. "What if God cannot love me because of...? What if no one would even notice I was gone? What is there here for me? Why stay?"
Let me answer. He loves you anyway. We would. Alot. God has a plan for you.
"Thank you Mr. I-Got-It-All-Figured-Out, big help. It isn't that simple. "
Actually it is. It is incredibly simple, in contrast to the extreme complexity of the questions. Go ahead and reason it out in your mind.
The only way God could love you, in spite of all you have done is for Him to love no matter what. Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. He loved us when we were set against Him, how much more will He love when we seek His face.
For the last three questions, there are lives to be touched, no matter how insignificant and small. Just ask those who are close to you, and if no one is close to you then you should know exactly what to do. God did not place us on this earth to be alone. He gave us people to interact with and influence. Maybe you are not good with talking to people, maybe you need some external influence. Go to your church and become a greeter. Teach Sunday School to five year olds. Sign up for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. I worked in a benevolence ministry for seven years. I was affected in countless ways and can only hope that I helped someone along the way. A Christian alone is a Christian who is vulnerable.
I cannot begin to answer the questions you may have in your mind. But I can answer the biggest question of all. There is hope. And peace. Despite whatever circumstances, whatever pressure and stress put on you. Our God is the God who saves. It may not be in our timing, or in our expected way, but God shows up. The fact that I can write this now is my proof. He has rescued me innumerable times, and He will keep me safe and saved.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Questions and answers
Why did God create rain? Was it not possible to have water that seeped up from the ground? Was it perhaps because He knew we would enjoy it, the sound, the sight of it? Beneath the pages of the Bible, hidden under layers of theology and volumes of painful study lies a simple truth. God desires us to enjoy what He has made, just like He desires to enjoy our presence with Him. In a way, the rain is a sign, showing that God is not only interested in who I am, what I do, but also in what makes me happy, what calms my spirit in the troubled times. The cat that resides in my home (I don't really think cats are ever owned in their minds, just taken care of) spends all day just enjoying what is in front of her. Oh, that I could let that be a part of me, to absorb the moments of my day that God has placed for me to enjoy. The hug and kisses I get when I return home, the quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) mornings that I don't have to rise early. And of course, the rain.
Breaking me down
Well, I am back here again. This feeling of insecurity, manufactured by my own unwillingness to admit my need for Him, my desire for Him. Why after so many years does my flawed humanity still stubbornly cling to my belief that I can accomplish anything without Him, that I would exist for a split second if He forgot about me. Fool that I am, my basic need for a Savior is only overshadowed by my need for a God. Salvation is easy to obtain, to comprehend even, for me. But perfection? Surely it is far simpler, God, to let me live my life in obscurity and monotony. Let the bland taste better than the sweet and bitter. He is stubborn too. And He can break me easier when I let Him, when I stop moving and panicking long enough for Him to strip off my defenses and heal my injuries. Fool that I am, to think that my festering sores are better of encased in layers of protected armor than in the hands of the One who made me. To call myself insufficient is absolutely correct, to say I am worthless, pathetic and even a failure is to speak truth. But Truth has changed me, made me no longer me, but Him. My insufficiency is swallowed in the awesome power of His Grace, my worth poured from the wounds of the Holy Lamb, my existence is marked only by my name in the Book of Life. He is, will be more than I ever need. My shame, guilt, lust, anger, pride, greed - my sin- nailed Him to the cross. And He left them there, stained and then washed by His blood, no longer a mark against my name but another victory He won. I am free, clean and whole in Him. It is good to be back.
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