Pain

I always said I would never have a cat. Cats aren't my thing. I saw them as useless and conceited. Then I got one. I think Thalia is rather useless and conceited, but she is still cool. Hades, on the other hand, is our little bundle of joy and excitement. Since the day we got him, he raised hell in our apartment, scratched us up and had awful gas. But he was also very cuddly, sweet, and changed my mind about cats, or at least him.

But he has been sick for almost a month now. Our little ball of fire doesn't run around, or jump on the furniture, or torment Thalia. He just lies down, looking sad and emaciated now. And it is killing us. He had a seizure last night, and another this afternoon. We were thinking he was going to die last night. I only got 3 hours of sleep, and would willingly do it again for him.

I cannot put a positive spin on this right now. I have been praying for God to heal him for three weeks solid now, and he has just deteriorated. I don't know what to do, or if he will get better, all the tests have been negative so far.

So, God, I am giving him up to You now. This ball of joy You gave us, we love him and don't want to lose him. Please heal him and return him to us, or if You desire, let him go home peacefully. We just don't want him to suffer more.

But we want him to be with us again. Please.

Tozer and Heavy Metal

I have been asked recently what my views are on a number of controversial subjects of the Christian faith, including eternal security, predestination and a few others. In my view A.W. Tozer said it the best.

At the Commemoration of Samuel Seabury, First Anglican Bishop in North America, 1796:

"God will not hold us responsible to understand the mysteries of election, predestination, and the divine sovereignty. The best and safest way to deal with these truths is to raise our eyes to God and in deepest reverence say, "0 Lord, Thou knowest." Those things belong to the deep and mysterious Profound of God's omniscience. Prying into them may make theologians, but it will never make saints.

Basically, the issues that are brought before us in "theological" arguments never make us better as believers. They may strengthen or weaken our own personal theological views, they may be used to break the doctrines of others or to cast brothers/sisters out of the church. None of that is really seeking God is it?

The way Tozer says it, "O Lord, Thou knowest." brings me to my knees. Why should I really invest my time and effort into sabotaging the doctrinal belief of someone who for the most part agrees with me? Or why do tons of research into a subject that really is not up to me to decipher? I am a flawed human, my understanding of Scripture is at best mediocre, and yet I like to stand up and thump my chest and declare my way is superior to anyone elses. May God grant mercy to me, for my flaws, even when I seek to point out the flaws of a brother.

Now having said all that, what does it have to do with heavy metal? I am still listening to alot of Disturbed's new CD Indestructible. On my playlist at work I have Perfect Circle Counting Bodies like Sheep, followed by Disturbed Indestructible. Besides being adrenaline filled, and getting my creativity flowing (a nice help in my line of work), I am beginning to see a pattern in my psyche and mental process. War and God. This is leading into my next calLAN Bible Study, into how I think God expects us to act. God's people are supposed to be a fighting force, a warband, a unit of spiritual devastation, serving their Lord and Master in humility and prayer. Satan certainly isn't going to play tic-tac-toe with us to see who will influence our culture, politics, outreach or even our families. We gotta play hardball just like our enemy does. We need to go toe-to-toe against the powers of darkness, starting with prayer and ending with outreach.

God doesn't really want Christianity to be a big fuzzy debate club. No, really I am serious He doesn't. So why do we insist upon acting like we are trying to win first prize in a my theology is better than yours debate? Or even a we have more people or more money or more building yelling match? Christians have degraded into a bunch of whining sissies who care more for the phsyical "church" than Christ's Bride. Do you think for a moment that the Christians being persecuted in China, Sudan, Iran or half a dozen other countries really give a crap about once saved always saved? They believe that God will be waiting on the other side of the (literal) fire for me. He will wipe the tears from my eyes, He will clothe me in new garments, my wounds and torture marks will disappear. I worry about whether or not my dog or cat will be in heaven, or if I will get my own mansion. Sheer spiritual stupidity and moronic shallowness. They just want God to hold them and keep them safe.

So lets stop the pointless and misguided arguments. Lets get back to being saints, focused on the world around us and how we can impact it in our own way and with the talents and gifts God has given me. And listen to more warlike music for once. It is very invigorating.

Non-Poetry

I didn't sleep much last night. God is trying to make me trust Him again. Somehow I always end up back at this crossroads, do I think I can sort out my life and get things figured out or do I put faith in God? Yeah, I know what the right answer is. I want to know what MY answer is. I am looking at options to take in the near future, and looking at all my difficulties between here and there.

So I lie awake at night, trying to sleep, trying to relax, trying to... I don't know. I feel exhausted and fragile, and yet unable to collapse or slow down. My mind is in a thousand places and yet never anywhere for any length of time. Praying for direction only seems to sound hollow in my ears. I feel as though I have been dropped in the desert, with no compass and a note that says water is somewhere close (guess where). Only, I am not alone, I have a wife who depends on me, relies on me for direction and support. I can try to sound confident, appear knowledgeable, but I can't fool myself.

What do I do when life gets yanked out from under me? Where does faith leave me when I cannot see?

I will just put my hand up. Let Him take it. He will direct me, when I do not know the way. He will keep me secure, keep us together and whole. Faith is less about walking and more about being led than I had imagined.

Poems

i am really not good at writing Poetry,
words don't sound good, rhyming is tough,
so i will forgo that complex difficult stuff,
to tell you I love you, tell you how much.
see its really not hard to put words to page,
but it is putting my heart into words,
writing about you and me, our story,
that leaves me unable to fit it all in.
big words are a bit too impracticable,
small words dont really fit,
it all seems a jumble, a jigsaw puzzle,
so i guess i will just say it, here we go:

Baby, I love you, more than life itself, more than you or I will ever know, I will never leave, never forget you, you are my sunshine, my happiness, my other 75%, I will always be on the bottom of the bus with you, always find you and make you come out, always be here, always love you.
SWAK, YKISA,
N

(the end)

His Hand

i walk head down, eyes on the ground,
can't look ahead for fear of stumbling;
can't look behind for fear of repeating,
the same mistakes, pains and heartaches;
walking isn't easy, life takes its toll,
yes i am saved, now make me whole;
ground is uneven, feet are tired,
arms are heavy, feel uninspired;
end of the rope, give me hope,
hear your voice, look at the sand,
all along, i'm walking in Your Hand.


I have struggled for years trying to figure out why God won't give me total peace about what happens down the road. And while I still don't have total peace, I realize that I am indeed walking in His Hand. Every step I take, no matter how hard it may seem, is protected and covered by Him. And while I may fall, stumble, or become weary, I can just collapse to the ground and let Him hold me. In His Hand.