God as the DM

In my last D&D related post, I may have confused some folks with some of my word choices, so I am going to be very up front about this. God is not a Dungeon Master. This is not a breakdown of deep theological elements or even a categorical review of the nature of God (that is a separate item). This is just me trying to analyze one small aspect of the nature of God and how I can see a reflection of that in every day life. So with that being said...

God is a DM. Honestly that is the simplest way to explain it. All things considered, when I try to wrap my brain around how an all-powerful, all-knowing God lets us run around in our puny little lives with this thing called "free will" and yet still maintaining His "will" I end up with a cerebral sprain. So I will try to explain this new analysis of an extremely deep concept in the smallest words possible.

In tabletop roleplaying games -whether D&D, Star Wars, GURPS, Vampire or any of the other unknown number of titles- there are two main types of people. There are the players (I am one currently) and the Game Master (aka Dungeon Master/DM/GM). I have been both at various times in the very short period I have enjoyed this genre of gaming. The DM is the glue for the game, he knows the story (where it is going and where it has been), he knows the players, he knows the bad things, and most of all he has absolute control over what happens. The DM is responsible for making the players feel a part of the story, but will (in most cases) fit any actions that the players take into the story without having it change the intended outcome. After my time "behind the screen" I understand that drawing the players into a storyline that has been precreated for them is a matter of appealing to each player and, to one degree or another, using the carrot/stick method to get them into the story. The DM also knows the rules, and is able to bend/break them or create new ones when needed. In the end, the DM decides what is right and wrong, not the players, and as such also determines the outcome of those decisions.

In my mind, God is not so different (albeit on a much larger, grander, omnipotent deity scale). God is in charge of the story. He has been in charge since before a day 1 was even thought of. God knows the players (us) more intimately than we do. God knows the bad stuff (even the bad stuff we create all on our own). And, yes, God has absolute control over what happens. God pulls, pushes, drives us in our lives through this story He has created. God wrote the rules, so He obviously knows what they are all about. Additionally, He is able to adjust them as He deems fit (see "miracles" for physical rules and "animals in a sheet" for morality/spiritual rules).

Now, if I haven't completely lost you, or driven you to start screaming "Heresy!" at the top of your lungs while storming around murmuring how wrong I am, I would also propose that we are players. That may not sound crazy, so to get more outside the religion box: my opinion is that my relationship with God should be vaguely comparable to my relationship with my DM. My interactions with "Man upstairs" need to look more like my interactions with the "man behind the screen". As a player, I am dependent upon the DM to show me the outcome of my actions, good or bad. As a player, I need to maintain a consistent relationship in the game with my DM to allow my actions to work more fluently with the story he has created. I want to know where he wants us to be, what his motivations are, and recognize that while I may not understand why the story is going where it is, that he is, in the end, looking out for my best interest -keeping the game fun, inviting and positive.

I am dependent upon God to show me how to live, how to interact, how to walk along in His will. I need the consistent relationship with God to understand where I am in relationship to where He wants me to be. I need to know that His motivations for me are based out of love and that even when I don't understand where He is going with my life, that He does care more about me than anything else in the world.

God doesn't have the failings of a human DM. God doesn't have to roll dice to determine some outcomes. God is God. But to my poor little brain, He is the DM running this game we call life.

Restarting

It seems,

that in my attempt to

begin again, I find myself

unable to move

to think, progress

and so I step away.

It is easy to forget

in the moment

in the busy

in the chaos

in the energy that consumes my day,

sometimes connecting with God

is less about finding the time

and more about losing

more about letting me go

more about less of this

less of that

less of that thing I spend every day trying to achieve

less of me.

And so it is easy to stay busy,

to immerse myself into the void of crowd and noise

to revel in the mud

to spend my time looking down

instead of up.

And so I try to restart,

try to overcome

to compensate

to feel on my own that which I am incapable of doing.

To try to claw my way back to the cross

all on my own

not out of shame

but out of anxiety

out of missing out on You.

Yeah.

Brilliant.

So here I go.

Lord, I can be an idiot. Scratch that. I am an idiot a lot of the time. So I am going to get back to writing. Because that is how I open up and get out all the stuff that I think about all the time. Its how I sit at the cross and look at the sky. So I will try to do this a lot more often.

Being a Hero

I've been playing Dungeons and Dragons for two years now. It all started with two of my favorite webcomics, PvP and PennyArcade, and their respective authors starting a podcast recording their game sessions. As a long time geek, I had known quite a bit about D&D for years, including the nonsensical uninformed "Christian" groups that condemned the hobby for years. I formed a group of players (4 guys I knew and my wife) and became their DM (dungeon master), guiding the adventure and playing the part of the Non-Player Characters, including the bad guys. That first group stayed together for six or eight months before falling apart. I continued the D&D hobby with one of my players, this time as a player, and have enjoyed every encounter, adventure, character and crazy moment.
The D&D world is composed of three different groups of people. First, there are the Monsters -of every shape, size, motivation and mindset. Not all monsters are evil, some are just greedy, some are misguided, some are undead or mindless drones. In most circumstances, to the players, monsters are walking banks of treasure, new shiny weapons and -above all- experience.
Then there are the Inhabitants, the NPCs who are not the bad guys. The local inn-keeper, town guards, the child playing in the street, all either oblivious to the existence of the monsters or resigned to the fact that they are powerless to stop them. They need the third and final group, the Heroes.
Heroes are not all good. They are not always knights in shining armor come to save the world. They can be cowards, greedy, selfish, even evil themselves. The only difference is that when the chips are down, when the world calls out (and has rewards), the heroes are the only ones who can save the day. They can -and often have to- think beyond the easy and simple answer. They can because they are the only ones who are played by the players.
I long to see myself as a Hero. I have felt like a Monster. But I usually end up being an Inhabitant. Not bad, not good enough. Able to see the evil and chaos, but feeling unable to make a difference. And it feels very hopeless. And I get a small taste of what I truly want to be, truly want to feel when I play D&D. More than the friends I have made, more than the excitement and laughter, I play to hope. Hope more for myself, hope to impact the world, hope that over time I can put up my mundane Inhabitant existence and grab my metaphorical sword and face the darkness this world needs rescuing from.
I'm not there yet. I'm still sitting in the corner, looking at that razor sharp sword hanging on the wall. But every once in a while, I get the courage to walk over, take down the sword and feel the strength and just general badass-ness of being a Hero. And at the end of that moment, I put the sword back, not having faced the Monsters. But each time I grab that sword, I hold onto it longer and I get one more step closer to the door between me and the darkness outside.

Family

On Sunday my family met at my parents house to celebrate my mom's birthday and to get together before Christmas because we would not be able to all be together for it. My family is not perfect. For a long time, I think, we tried to be. Or at least tried to look like it. But all of that has changed recently, for the better, and has shifted the mood of our gatherings. I can walk into their house and be more open and honest with everyone than I ever could when I lived there, I can see the troubles, the pain, the emotions running underneath the exterior. I have a younger sister who is pushing to find herself and what she is called to be. I have a younger brother who just wants to be connected to us, to me, more than anything. I have an older brother and his wife who share a dynamic far different than my wife and I, but they enjoy each other (and I think are feeling more free to do so around others). I have parents who have gone through a lot of drama, chaos and pain over the last few years, and can come out on the other side and see that truth is better than illusion (no matter how dangerous or different). And I have grandparents that impact each and every one of us differently (even if we don't get to see them as much as we would like).

My family is not perfect. There are issues and problems, conversations that still need to be had, tears to be shed, old wounds that need healing, new wounds that need attention. But it was nice seeing my family together and the difference a few years makes.

Hero

Skillet again "Hero"
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time

Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives
And we're not ready to die
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero, I've got a hero
Living in me

My wife calls me her hero. I have trouble accepting that title, because I struggle with who I am. To me a hero risks everything to rescue or save someone that would be lost without that effort, regardless of the past or future actions of the rescued. Heroes are never wanted, they are only needed. Hero is not a job description, it is choice, a decision. Options are not weighed, there is no pro-con list, no polling, no popular opinions. A hero risks simply because it needs to be done.

I struggle with the idea of having enough worth to God for Him to rescue me. "God, if you only realized what I was, You would not have done this for me." "God, you must have not noticed my life, the problems I have when you saved me." "Really, God? You are sure about this? I am so not worth it." I can write a pro-con list for God. It is pretty easy. The pro side is sparse to say the least. So goes my logic. My very flawed logic.

The problem in my reasoning is pretty simple. Isaiah 44:24a "Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, and the one who formed you from the womb..." God new me in the womb, created me, crafted me, saw who I was before I was, knew what I would become, who I could be, how He can use me. And He was my Redeemer then. At that moment, where the infinite past was present, He was my Savior, my rescuer, my Hero. His love for me does not stem from any action of mine, from any value I accumulate or waste away. There is no pro-con list. I was not a tough decision. He did not deliberate. He knew the moment He started weaving me together that I was valuable to Him. His actions make me worth it. My very creation is what lets me deserve His salvation. He is Creator-Redeemer for a reason, the two are inextricably linked. To remove one is to lose the picture of who He is, Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End.

At the moment of my creation, He knew I would need Him. Before I could imagine needing to be rescued, He rescued me. And fool that I am, I decide that I don't want Him. I, who need Him, need His grace every moment, come to the conclusion that I am ok on my own for the moment. And if/when my world collapses, I will want Him then. Laying on my back under a pile of rubble, or in a burning building, or caught in a raging flash flood, I try to cope, to survive on my own, until I can't control my life any more. I am the idiotic person who tries to resist the rescue.

So I come to the same conclusion again. I (the idiotic human) need to put Him (the all-knowing God of all that has ever existed) in control. See wasn't that easy?
To my wife: Thank you for needing a hero. And for letting me be your hero.
To my Lord: I exist because of You. I need no other value, no other worth than that. You sustain my life because You made it, and made it worth enough to save me. Remind me that You are my Hero when I forget.