Tension

In the middle.
Caught, aware, of the puzzle that I am in,
Where I go,
defining not just what I do, but who I am.
Do I rely on my intellect,
My strength, determination, work,
My compulsive desire to know
What is before me, what to do, end results,
Left in the tension of faith, risk and peace.
Pulling from every side, dynamic, change,
Reality calls me to set aside my dreams,
Visions of grandeur suppressed, depressed,
Pulled back down to earth by the process.
Not knowing leads to not deciding,
Not deciding leads to remaining,
Remaining leads to defeat,
Defeat leads to my knees in prayer,
Prayer leads me to hope, to dream,
Dreams lead me to desire vision,
Desire leads to stillness, quiet,
Quiet leads me to not knowing.
Endless cycle of interwoven emotion,
Cascading over me, driving me, pulling me.
To risk more than me, more than my future,
Leaves a fear of failure, doubt, self-doubt.
If I cannot continue, where do I go?
Down, up, left, right, forward, backward.
A blank slate, clear of obstacles,
Becomes an obstacle in itself.
Without goals, why go anywhere?
But looking for goals leads back to me,
My deepest core of my being is ... what?
Who am I beneath the layers of chaos,
Created to keep me afloat, stay "normal",
Layers of hiding, unsure of what lies below,
After living to please, to fit in,
What remains to seek, to hope?
Is my desire from one of my layers,
From one of my masks I wear to exist?
Is it from that core that I don't know,
Cannot remember, only hope to see?
Grace is forgiving, but doesn't pay much,
Faith cannot sign my paycheck.
Or can it, can I live in the moment?
Forgetting about my insecurities,
My frailty, my doubt, my disbelief,
For long enough to acknowledge,
The One who called me into being,
His strength, His peace, His safety.
In my failing, He is holy,
In my doubt, He is proven,
In my sin, He is forgiveness,
In my shame, He is grace,
In my anger, He is peace,
In my disbelief, He is truth.
Where did I let myself, make myself,
Become what I needed to "survive",
To exist, to stay enough ahead,
To get through the day, week, year.
When He calls for more, calls for greater,
Reality is what He sees,
Not what I adjust myself to.
My cynicism, "realism",
Just exposes my lack of,
Need for His Truth, direction.
He sees me as greater,
He sees me as perfect,
He sees me as holy,
He sees me as righteous,
He sees me as free,
He sees me covered by blood,
Shed for my sin, my shame, my doubt,
That when I cannot see,
He sees what He created,
And He enjoys me.
In the tension, in the process,
He is.