six months again

it seems like it was yesterday
you and i in conversation
but mainly me talking
you listening as only God can.
i told you i wanted six months
three years ago, almost
you answered and changed me
changed where i was and what i did.
im back here now but differently
i still want those six months
but instead of an ultimatum for you
i want this to be a challenge for me.
make me better, make me more
make me into who i need to be
make me patient and humble
make me glimpse your five year plan
make my heart care less about me
make my job be a path not a climb
make my work be a means not an end
make me more like you
make me less like who i have been
make me get out of your way.
i know i don't have the ability
but i do know i have the words
six months, Giver of Gifts
six months, King of Heaven
six months, my Lord and God
six months to see your glory
change my life once again.

Thief

My wife is a huge Disney fan. She grew up with the classics and the stories of the Disney princesses especially play a big role in her story. Cinderella is and has always been her favorite because of the hope and dreams it created in her as a little girl, that there are happily ever afters and the Prince Charming will search an entire kingdom for her.
Recently, however, Disney has made movies of fail. I think Mulan is the last princess that M likes (although she likes her more than any others apparently). And if you take Pixar out of he mix, Beauty and the Beast is the last good movie Disney had made in some time. Until Tangled came out.
I didn't even know that Tangled came out. If i did notice, i didn't think it would be nearly as good as it is. If you have not seen Tangled, go watch it right now, rent it, but it, netflix.com, whatever you have to do because it is fantastic. M told me it made her cry the first time she saw it because it speaks so much to her story. When i saw it, i realized exactly how much and why. There are parts of that story that make me angry, parts that make me sad and even parts that make me just watch her watching the movie and hold her tight while we both get a bit teary eyed. If you don't know the movie and don't know M very well it may not make much sense, but Tangled is in my top 3 emotional animated movies (alongside Monsters inc and Up). And Tangled is making me seriously look at getting a tattoo.
I am already ready to get a tattoo on my back saying ,The Last Centurion, for reasons i have already mentioned, but this is something that came out of the blue for me. I am going to get 'her thief' on me somewhere. I dont know where yet, or when, or what it will exactly look like. I am going to get that tattoo because finally i can relate to the hero in a Disney movie. He isn't a good guy when he movie starts, he doesn't have a flawless character or a winning personality. Instead he is just trying do something very simple to get back something she has. But as they travel, he learns who she is, what her story is, what she wants out of life and it shakes his world. Everything he thought was important became completely worthless in comparison to her and he is willing to do anything to protect her and keep her safe. He isn't trying to get the happily ever after for the two of them, just for her, because he sees the prison she endures to the benefit of others. His one final act changes everything and gives her the chance to be who she is. In the end it does work out, but to me, the story  could have ended on that very sad note and while it would have been  depressing, it would have been incredible.
To me, being her thief means that i stole her away, that i didn't need to be Prince Charming in my eyes to be that in hers, that if i can only do one thing in my life it is to break her free and give her the ability to truly be who she is. I am proud of my wife, proud of who she is and what she has become in the last five years. She is able to run around in the grass and experience the lights in ways that she never has before and i am glad i get to enjoy her happiness.

The Last Centurion

"I wish I could tell you that you'll be loved. That you'll be safe and cared for and protected. But this isn't the time for lies. What you are going to be, Melody, is very very brave. But not as brave as they all have to be. Because there's somebody coming. I don't know where he is, or what he's doing, but trust me. He's on his way.

"There's a man who's never going to let us down. And not even an army can get in the way. He's the last of his kind. He looks young but he's lived for hundreds and hundreds of years. And wherever they take you, Melody, however scared you are, I promise you, you will never be alone. Because this man is your father. He has a name, but the people of our world know him better... as the last Centurion." - Amy Pond A Good Man Goes to War

To anyone who doesn't watch Doctor Who, that quote probably doesn't mean much. I get chills reading it. To quickly describe the scene, Amy has been captured by a group of people who are trying to kill the Doctor. Through the entirety of her time with the Doctor there has been tension between her and her husband, Rory. Repeatedly, Amy has reinforced for her husband that he is the one she loves, cares about, and relies on. Rory spent 2000 years as a plastic-man Roman Centurion standing guard over her (seriously). And so, Amy is telling her daughter Rory about how her father is coming to save her.

As a man, that quote is unbelievably accurate to what I want as a man and someday a father. I want my wife to be able to tell my children that I will never let them down, that they will never be alone, that I will always find them, that I will never let them down. I want to be a superhero for my children. I know I blog a lot about being a hero and taking on the world. This is different.See, Rory doesn't have any superpowers, Rory isn't the Doctor. He is just a man who is solely focused on protecting and rescuing his family and he will stop at nothing, be stopped by nothing in his duty to his family.

I don't know what to do with that right now. That scene provokes a lot of emotion in me, a lot of deep running thoughts that hit at the core of who I want to be. I don't have any children right now, so I can only hope to know that that is how they will view me, how they will know me. But I want to be their Last Centurion, I want them to know I would stand guard by them for centuries, that though all Hell and a fleet of Cybermen may stand between us that I will not give up, I will not fail them. I don't need to be the Doctor, I just need to be Nathan for my children.

Four years ago today, I vowed to my wife that I would always be here for her. Oddly enough, I had already done that.

Four years ago today, I vowed to my wife that I would always love her. Again, that wasn't the first time she heard it.

Four years ago today.

It seems strange to think that a single moment, a single day, is held so important in our culture. To me, if your spouse heard anything new or special in your wedding vows, you were not ready to get married to them. Marriage isn't about a major change in your relationship. It is (mostly) a formal declaration of those emotions and promises already made in private or in your own mind. I decided (and yes I use that word for a reason), that I loved my wife after dating her for a month and feeling her absence from me for a very short time. But that didn't mean I didn't tell her that I loved her this morning. And just because I miss her when I am away, doesn't mean I don't tell her that because she knows it already.

To me, the wedding ceremony is a very important, yet very small, stepping stone in a relationship. It is not a pivotal moment. It is not a catalytic event. It doesn't change you. It is the starting point of the single most life-changing event (aside from salvation) in a humans life. The big change isn't the wedding. It is waking up the next morning next to the only other person that matters. And it is going to bed three weeks later next to the only person in life that matters. It is eating lunch, and going to the movies, and enjoying the sunsets, and holding their tears.

But it all starts at the altar. Or before the altar. Maybe it starts at birth with some cosmic thread connecting souls. Maybe it starts somewhere in the choices and circumstances that change our lives. Maybe it starts with the gleam in the eye, love at first sight thing. Maybe it starts on the first date, or second, or third. I don't have the answers, I just know it is there.

In the end, the wedding day is a very special day to me, not because of what was said, or what was done, but because of who I married. Believe it or not, guys, the wedding is for her. It is her moment of glory and her chance to be the beautiful princess she has always wanted to be. All the chaos, the confusion, the formality and the general nuttiness of the day are for her. And (if you have done your part right) she is worth it. She is worth every moment, every dollar, every drop of sweat and blood, every last ounce of yourself.

Four years ago today, I vowed to my wife that I would always be here for her. She will never forget that I had already told her that.

Four years ago today, I vowed to my wife that I would always love her. And she will never forget that she already knew it.

Four years ago today, my life changed, my heart stayed the same, and my world became a better place.

God as the DM

In my last D&D related post, I may have confused some folks with some of my word choices, so I am going to be very up front about this. God is not a Dungeon Master. This is not a breakdown of deep theological elements or even a categorical review of the nature of God (that is a separate item). This is just me trying to analyze one small aspect of the nature of God and how I can see a reflection of that in every day life. So with that being said...

God is a DM. Honestly that is the simplest way to explain it. All things considered, when I try to wrap my brain around how an all-powerful, all-knowing God lets us run around in our puny little lives with this thing called "free will" and yet still maintaining His "will" I end up with a cerebral sprain. So I will try to explain this new analysis of an extremely deep concept in the smallest words possible.

In tabletop roleplaying games -whether D&D, Star Wars, GURPS, Vampire or any of the other unknown number of titles- there are two main types of people. There are the players (I am one currently) and the Game Master (aka Dungeon Master/DM/GM). I have been both at various times in the very short period I have enjoyed this genre of gaming. The DM is the glue for the game, he knows the story (where it is going and where it has been), he knows the players, he knows the bad things, and most of all he has absolute control over what happens. The DM is responsible for making the players feel a part of the story, but will (in most cases) fit any actions that the players take into the story without having it change the intended outcome. After my time "behind the screen" I understand that drawing the players into a storyline that has been precreated for them is a matter of appealing to each player and, to one degree or another, using the carrot/stick method to get them into the story. The DM also knows the rules, and is able to bend/break them or create new ones when needed. In the end, the DM decides what is right and wrong, not the players, and as such also determines the outcome of those decisions.

In my mind, God is not so different (albeit on a much larger, grander, omnipotent deity scale). God is in charge of the story. He has been in charge since before a day 1 was even thought of. God knows the players (us) more intimately than we do. God knows the bad stuff (even the bad stuff we create all on our own). And, yes, God has absolute control over what happens. God pulls, pushes, drives us in our lives through this story He has created. God wrote the rules, so He obviously knows what they are all about. Additionally, He is able to adjust them as He deems fit (see "miracles" for physical rules and "animals in a sheet" for morality/spiritual rules).

Now, if I haven't completely lost you, or driven you to start screaming "Heresy!" at the top of your lungs while storming around murmuring how wrong I am, I would also propose that we are players. That may not sound crazy, so to get more outside the religion box: my opinion is that my relationship with God should be vaguely comparable to my relationship with my DM. My interactions with "Man upstairs" need to look more like my interactions with the "man behind the screen". As a player, I am dependent upon the DM to show me the outcome of my actions, good or bad. As a player, I need to maintain a consistent relationship in the game with my DM to allow my actions to work more fluently with the story he has created. I want to know where he wants us to be, what his motivations are, and recognize that while I may not understand why the story is going where it is, that he is, in the end, looking out for my best interest -keeping the game fun, inviting and positive.

I am dependent upon God to show me how to live, how to interact, how to walk along in His will. I need the consistent relationship with God to understand where I am in relationship to where He wants me to be. I need to know that His motivations for me are based out of love and that even when I don't understand where He is going with my life, that He does care more about me than anything else in the world.

God doesn't have the failings of a human DM. God doesn't have to roll dice to determine some outcomes. God is God. But to my poor little brain, He is the DM running this game we call life.