My Cerilene

I am really not a music person. I like to listen to music, it helps me relax or focus (depending on my mood), it lets me feel emotion without thinking about anything in particular. There are a few songs that I would consider extremely emotional. "Little Drummer Boy" heads that list, I cannot sing that song without wanting to cry. But also on that list is "Cerilene" by Sister Hazel. Here are the lyrics:

On final approach my brother and I, we were so sure
Knew exactly the plans we'd made and what we were here for
Didn't have a care in the world, got by day by day
Struggled with the plans we'd made who was I anyway
Workin' on both night and day, in a famous rock and roll cafe
Never thought I'd meet a girl for me
Never thought I'd meet a girl called Cerilene

Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams

Walked along the beach there hand in hand, it felt like a dream
But things that felt so good were never real or so it seemed
The magic that this girl possessed
Changed the heart of a child to a man (to a man)
Through the warmth of love his dreams and drive had direction again
A girl who strongly believes in me, and visions that we both could see
As one of my dreams, it came to an end
My life and love felt whole again

(Chorus)

I've grown to love this family, my friends
And this woman that I've found
Just as much as the family I left in a small, small Southern town
On a day the island breezes brought my loved ones here with me
We made our families one, I love you, oh I love you Cerilene

Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams
Cerilene, share my life with me, on this island oh, fulfill my dreams
Cerilene, oh Cerilene
Cerilene, (share my life, share my life with me)
Oh Cerilene

To M, my Cerilene: my greatest achievment, my crowning success is that I was smart enough to see you and man enough to get you. When you need me, I will be there, when life is dark, we will sit in the dark together, and when the road becomes smooth and easy, we will enjoy it together.

U-turn

Well, I have hit the wall. Yay. I have got the whole thing sorted out. Except that at this moment I am kinda forcing John 1 to flow. It just isn't working for me. So I am scrapping that. No more teaching from John. I am going to do Ezekiel. It has been on my heart for six years now. I need to do Z. So here we go.

(Why is it so hard to let God use me? I know He wants me to do this at some point, so why did I instantly want to go all philosophical and do some stuff that doesn't impact my heart as much? I love John 1 alot, and raising Lazarus, and some other stuff but it isn't me. My wife is right. I gotta teach from Z.)

Pacing

I spent 10 minutes pacing last night (while waiting for my wife) trying to sort out how to start the first message I am giving to the Call next Sunday. I know what I am going to say, how everything connects, but I am still working out how to start it.

I joined the Call my freshman year at college. My brother had been involved in it (to a small degree) and had lent Mark Johnson (the singles Pastor over the Call) one of my swords for a visual aid. So before I even attended, the man in charge knew who I was. I joined a Forum of Four that first year, and got to know some guys pretty well.

As the years progressed I got more involved. I started going to Guys Night/Community Group at Mark and Tracy's house. I played softball and basketball for Wayside Chapel and even started going to Sunday worship and classes. My social life was centered in the Call. I didn't hang with people from college, except when a project required it. I eventually pulled out of working with the benevolence ministry I had been a part of for 7 years. And I became more focused on what God was doing with me and in me.

Mark does not excell at large scale teaching. He is solid as a speaker, gives good insight and keeps everyone's attention, but I feel that he only did it because it was in the job description. Mark and Tracy are heart seekers. In a casual group setting they can get rather introverted people like me to open up and share about our lives. Our darkest moments and our brightest days are welcomed and protected in the environments they create.

One on one they cut through the crap in our lives, rejecting the trite and easy answers about who we are and how we are doing. An "I'm OK" doesn't really cut it with them. They are willing to ask the questions that I so desire to be asked when I try to hide behind my church-face facade. My wife didn't believe me when I told her how they strip off the protection we put up to hide our pain. She believes me now, having gone through that painful and difficult process. For me to open up took courage, for her to open up took risk. I was seeking to avoid looking at my problems, to let life rock on and that eventually my difficulties would be so far behind that they wouldn't affect me much. But that isn't possible for someone who wants to be close to the Johnson family. Their openness and straight talk don't allow for hiding.

Over the last six years I have had the priviledge and honor of having them speak into my life, in ways that I would never have allowed any one else to. And next Sunday will be the first Call I have ever been at where there is no Mark and Tracy. They have been called by God to a different path, at a different church. And although they are, and will be, a large part of my life, I am not sure how the Call will survive. They were the main reason I was there. The main reason alot of people were there.

My hope and prayer (as I keep mentally pacing) is that I can continue, for a short time, to give insight from my heart and Scripture to the singles in the Call. That God will use me, over the next 3 months or so, to give the members of the Call a smooth transition into the next phase of the ministry.

Mark and Tracy, you have left very large shoes to fill, and many hearts that will keep going to you for guidance and insight. May God bless you as you journey forward, and may He use you in more and better ways for His Glory.

Pain

I always said I would never have a cat. Cats aren't my thing. I saw them as useless and conceited. Then I got one. I think Thalia is rather useless and conceited, but she is still cool. Hades, on the other hand, is our little bundle of joy and excitement. Since the day we got him, he raised hell in our apartment, scratched us up and had awful gas. But he was also very cuddly, sweet, and changed my mind about cats, or at least him.

But he has been sick for almost a month now. Our little ball of fire doesn't run around, or jump on the furniture, or torment Thalia. He just lies down, looking sad and emaciated now. And it is killing us. He had a seizure last night, and another this afternoon. We were thinking he was going to die last night. I only got 3 hours of sleep, and would willingly do it again for him.

I cannot put a positive spin on this right now. I have been praying for God to heal him for three weeks solid now, and he has just deteriorated. I don't know what to do, or if he will get better, all the tests have been negative so far.

So, God, I am giving him up to You now. This ball of joy You gave us, we love him and don't want to lose him. Please heal him and return him to us, or if You desire, let him go home peacefully. We just don't want him to suffer more.

But we want him to be with us again. Please.

Tozer and Heavy Metal

I have been asked recently what my views are on a number of controversial subjects of the Christian faith, including eternal security, predestination and a few others. In my view A.W. Tozer said it the best.

At the Commemoration of Samuel Seabury, First Anglican Bishop in North America, 1796:

"God will not hold us responsible to understand the mysteries of election, predestination, and the divine sovereignty. The best and safest way to deal with these truths is to raise our eyes to God and in deepest reverence say, "0 Lord, Thou knowest." Those things belong to the deep and mysterious Profound of God's omniscience. Prying into them may make theologians, but it will never make saints.

Basically, the issues that are brought before us in "theological" arguments never make us better as believers. They may strengthen or weaken our own personal theological views, they may be used to break the doctrines of others or to cast brothers/sisters out of the church. None of that is really seeking God is it?

The way Tozer says it, "O Lord, Thou knowest." brings me to my knees. Why should I really invest my time and effort into sabotaging the doctrinal belief of someone who for the most part agrees with me? Or why do tons of research into a subject that really is not up to me to decipher? I am a flawed human, my understanding of Scripture is at best mediocre, and yet I like to stand up and thump my chest and declare my way is superior to anyone elses. May God grant mercy to me, for my flaws, even when I seek to point out the flaws of a brother.

Now having said all that, what does it have to do with heavy metal? I am still listening to alot of Disturbed's new CD Indestructible. On my playlist at work I have Perfect Circle Counting Bodies like Sheep, followed by Disturbed Indestructible. Besides being adrenaline filled, and getting my creativity flowing (a nice help in my line of work), I am beginning to see a pattern in my psyche and mental process. War and God. This is leading into my next calLAN Bible Study, into how I think God expects us to act. God's people are supposed to be a fighting force, a warband, a unit of spiritual devastation, serving their Lord and Master in humility and prayer. Satan certainly isn't going to play tic-tac-toe with us to see who will influence our culture, politics, outreach or even our families. We gotta play hardball just like our enemy does. We need to go toe-to-toe against the powers of darkness, starting with prayer and ending with outreach.

God doesn't really want Christianity to be a big fuzzy debate club. No, really I am serious He doesn't. So why do we insist upon acting like we are trying to win first prize in a my theology is better than yours debate? Or even a we have more people or more money or more building yelling match? Christians have degraded into a bunch of whining sissies who care more for the phsyical "church" than Christ's Bride. Do you think for a moment that the Christians being persecuted in China, Sudan, Iran or half a dozen other countries really give a crap about once saved always saved? They believe that God will be waiting on the other side of the (literal) fire for me. He will wipe the tears from my eyes, He will clothe me in new garments, my wounds and torture marks will disappear. I worry about whether or not my dog or cat will be in heaven, or if I will get my own mansion. Sheer spiritual stupidity and moronic shallowness. They just want God to hold them and keep them safe.

So lets stop the pointless and misguided arguments. Lets get back to being saints, focused on the world around us and how we can impact it in our own way and with the talents and gifts God has given me. And listen to more warlike music for once. It is very invigorating.