calLAN Bible Study

I haven't posted here in a while and wanted to write down how the very first calLAN Bible study went.

For those of you who don't know, calLAN is a Christian LAN (computer gaming) party that my church lets us host every month. I started the LANs three years ago, at my parents house. We have had 27 semi-consecutive monthly events. I decided we needed to have more Christian activity, not just gaming at calLAN, so we had a Bible study.

The verses I used were from Matthew 11:2-6:
http://bible1.crosswalk.com/OnlineStudyBible/bible.cgi?passage=mt+11&version=nas&showtools=0

We first discussed why John felt it important to ask Christ if he really was the Messiah. It is my personal view that John was asking to put to rest any doubt he may have as to the success of his mission. His whole life's work was spent on preparing the world for Christ, and he is in Herod's prison, basically awaiting execution, and wants to be sure, without a doubt that this is the guy he was working for.

The second portion of the study delved into Christ's response, in particular how it related to answering John's question. Yes, Jesus just could have said, I am the Messiah. But He did so much more. He pretty much quoted a prophecy by Isaiah and just told John to look at his actions. It is my desire for anyone wondering about my religious/spiritual affiliation to be able to look at my actions and see who I belong to.

The third part of the study was sorting out who in our lives is in need of Christ's healing. Some very good views were shared, some of which I had thought of, but most of them were new. It was pretty unanimous that Christ doesn't need to just heal the unsaved. We as Christians focus way to much on the act of salvation, and much less on what happens to the fellow believers around us. The only difference between a spiritually blind non-Christian and a spiritually blind Christian is that one is not saved and the other is not effective. The same thing goes for the rest of the miracles Christ spoke of.

The last part was about our response to the aforementioned sections. How are we able to reach those around us. I began to see how these guys I had gamed with for months really were focused on sharing God, in the workplace, on street corners, and online. For us as gamers, we can reach an "unreached" portion of the world. The gaming culture is steeped in distrust and even animosity towards God. Loners who want to do what they want, see what they want, read/watch/say/etc, go to the internet to do it. Gamers tend to be rebellious toward society, because they view society has rejected them. Their importance in the gaming society doesn't translate into the rest of the world very easily. There are missionaries in almost every corner of the world, but the presence of Christians in online gaming is tragically low. Or at least the presence of known Christians. It is easy to hide your faith and try to be invisible online, in ways and areas where you could not get away with it in real life. This is our mission field.

There is a pretty good group of us going to QuakeCon this year. QC is a very large gaming event, with an enormous LAN, tournaments, various events, tons of free stuff at booths, and lots of gamers. So I told the guys who were going to make it a point to stand out in the crowd, to not let the darkness of the world push them into conformity. I think that God can use them mightily at QuakeCon, both to reach the lost, and to awaken Christians who are there.

Please pray for the guys this weekend when they go to QuakeCon in Dallas. Pray for their safety, their ministry, their gaming skill, and especially their walk with the Lord.

Adrift again.

My sarcasm is telling me to try to be funny. But I am afraid of wrapping fear and shame with a candy coating. Afraid that it won't be enough and I could add failure to that list. Expletives aren't cutting it either, they just leave me more empty. My wife is at home and I want to call her, but breaking down at work isn't much of an option.

Does it always come down to money and time? Is there some point where God just says, "You know what, you have dealt with the money struggle long enough, I will take care of it for you for a while."? I am not about to give it to Him without some proof that it will get taken care of. For all I know He wants to teach me a lesson that involves hurting my credit score. Can't have that.

I feel so frustrated and angry at myself. Have I made only two good long term decisions in my life: my God and my wife? Is my career choice going to just make me neurotic and panicky forever? Whatever happened to the gung ho I will take whatever salary I can get, just to have a job that makes me happy? I could settle for more money and less fun right about now. Gotta have the money, Lord. Can't do without it. Who is going to put food on the table, pay the bills, keep a roof over our heads? Yeah I get the whole God takes care of the sparrow thing, but tell that to my outrageous electric bill. It doesn't take worms for credit, even ones picked by early birds. My car's power steering is acting all wierd, but it drives and so I can live with it for the moment.

God has convinced me that I have screwed up so much recently. Misjudged people drastically, wronged those I should love, prevented Him from using me. And it is all sitting on top of my other worries. Welcome to the dark corners of my mind. Where I hold God at bay with my emotional baggage and deepest fears, rather than let Him take it all off of my shoulders.

I am supposed to finish Ezekiel 5. It feels less clear, what to write, in moments like this. My creativity is hiding behind all of my issues and problems. That is why I usually end up writing lots of short sentences.

This is where I would put my "Fool that I am" line. Except right now I don't feel like a fool. I feel alone and scared. When my wife talks me down from the proverbial ledge, then I can look back and see my stupidity, recognize my shortsighted fear. But for now, here is where I am.
Adrift.