Tension

In the middle.
Caught, aware, of the puzzle that I am in,
Where I go,
defining not just what I do, but who I am.
Do I rely on my intellect,
My strength, determination, work,
My compulsive desire to know
What is before me, what to do, end results,
Left in the tension of faith, risk and peace.
Pulling from every side, dynamic, change,
Reality calls me to set aside my dreams,
Visions of grandeur suppressed, depressed,
Pulled back down to earth by the process.
Not knowing leads to not deciding,
Not deciding leads to remaining,
Remaining leads to defeat,
Defeat leads to my knees in prayer,
Prayer leads me to hope, to dream,
Dreams lead me to desire vision,
Desire leads to stillness, quiet,
Quiet leads me to not knowing.
Endless cycle of interwoven emotion,
Cascading over me, driving me, pulling me.
To risk more than me, more than my future,
Leaves a fear of failure, doubt, self-doubt.
If I cannot continue, where do I go?
Down, up, left, right, forward, backward.
A blank slate, clear of obstacles,
Becomes an obstacle in itself.
Without goals, why go anywhere?
But looking for goals leads back to me,
My deepest core of my being is ... what?
Who am I beneath the layers of chaos,
Created to keep me afloat, stay "normal",
Layers of hiding, unsure of what lies below,
After living to please, to fit in,
What remains to seek, to hope?
Is my desire from one of my layers,
From one of my masks I wear to exist?
Is it from that core that I don't know,
Cannot remember, only hope to see?
Grace is forgiving, but doesn't pay much,
Faith cannot sign my paycheck.
Or can it, can I live in the moment?
Forgetting about my insecurities,
My frailty, my doubt, my disbelief,
For long enough to acknowledge,
The One who called me into being,
His strength, His peace, His safety.
In my failing, He is holy,
In my doubt, He is proven,
In my sin, He is forgiveness,
In my shame, He is grace,
In my anger, He is peace,
In my disbelief, He is truth.
Where did I let myself, make myself,
Become what I needed to "survive",
To exist, to stay enough ahead,
To get through the day, week, year.
When He calls for more, calls for greater,
Reality is what He sees,
Not what I adjust myself to.
My cynicism, "realism",
Just exposes my lack of,
Need for His Truth, direction.
He sees me as greater,
He sees me as perfect,
He sees me as holy,
He sees me as righteous,
He sees me as free,
He sees me covered by blood,
Shed for my sin, my shame, my doubt,
That when I cannot see,
He sees what He created,
And He enjoys me.
In the tension, in the process,
He is.

On Worship

Last night was a profound experience. Mike and the worship team did a fantastic job leading us into the throne room of God. There have been a few times when I have opened my heart in worship and last night was one of them.
The flip side of that incredible time was my trying to follow it. It is exceptionally disconcerting to have to jump up and be speaking after such a moving worship time. There is no way to transition into whatever I am saying. So I just have to start talking.
Mike (and all of the team), thank you so much for doing what you do, week in and week out. You spend your time and energy (and talent) to give us an avenue to connect with God in ways that we often don't get to. I am honored to be the follow up act to that, and indeed feel insufficient and inadequate. You guys take all my energy and let me channel it into worship. It is a joy to work with all of you.

My Cerilene

I am really not a music person. I like to listen to music, it helps me relax or focus (depending on my mood), it lets me feel emotion without thinking about anything in particular. There are a few songs that I would consider extremely emotional. "Little Drummer Boy" heads that list, I cannot sing that song without wanting to cry. But also on that list is "Cerilene" by Sister Hazel. Here are the lyrics:

On final approach my brother and I, we were so sure
Knew exactly the plans we'd made and what we were here for
Didn't have a care in the world, got by day by day
Struggled with the plans we'd made who was I anyway
Workin' on both night and day, in a famous rock and roll cafe
Never thought I'd meet a girl for me
Never thought I'd meet a girl called Cerilene

Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams

Walked along the beach there hand in hand, it felt like a dream
But things that felt so good were never real or so it seemed
The magic that this girl possessed
Changed the heart of a child to a man (to a man)
Through the warmth of love his dreams and drive had direction again
A girl who strongly believes in me, and visions that we both could see
As one of my dreams, it came to an end
My life and love felt whole again

(Chorus)

I've grown to love this family, my friends
And this woman that I've found
Just as much as the family I left in a small, small Southern town
On a day the island breezes brought my loved ones here with me
We made our families one, I love you, oh I love you Cerilene

Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams
Cerilene, share my life with me, on this island oh, fulfill my dreams
Cerilene, oh Cerilene
Cerilene, (share my life, share my life with me)
Oh Cerilene

To M, my Cerilene: my greatest achievment, my crowning success is that I was smart enough to see you and man enough to get you. When you need me, I will be there, when life is dark, we will sit in the dark together, and when the road becomes smooth and easy, we will enjoy it together.

U-turn

Well, I have hit the wall. Yay. I have got the whole thing sorted out. Except that at this moment I am kinda forcing John 1 to flow. It just isn't working for me. So I am scrapping that. No more teaching from John. I am going to do Ezekiel. It has been on my heart for six years now. I need to do Z. So here we go.

(Why is it so hard to let God use me? I know He wants me to do this at some point, so why did I instantly want to go all philosophical and do some stuff that doesn't impact my heart as much? I love John 1 alot, and raising Lazarus, and some other stuff but it isn't me. My wife is right. I gotta teach from Z.)

Pacing

I spent 10 minutes pacing last night (while waiting for my wife) trying to sort out how to start the first message I am giving to the Call next Sunday. I know what I am going to say, how everything connects, but I am still working out how to start it.

I joined the Call my freshman year at college. My brother had been involved in it (to a small degree) and had lent Mark Johnson (the singles Pastor over the Call) one of my swords for a visual aid. So before I even attended, the man in charge knew who I was. I joined a Forum of Four that first year, and got to know some guys pretty well.

As the years progressed I got more involved. I started going to Guys Night/Community Group at Mark and Tracy's house. I played softball and basketball for Wayside Chapel and even started going to Sunday worship and classes. My social life was centered in the Call. I didn't hang with people from college, except when a project required it. I eventually pulled out of working with the benevolence ministry I had been a part of for 7 years. And I became more focused on what God was doing with me and in me.

Mark does not excell at large scale teaching. He is solid as a speaker, gives good insight and keeps everyone's attention, but I feel that he only did it because it was in the job description. Mark and Tracy are heart seekers. In a casual group setting they can get rather introverted people like me to open up and share about our lives. Our darkest moments and our brightest days are welcomed and protected in the environments they create.

One on one they cut through the crap in our lives, rejecting the trite and easy answers about who we are and how we are doing. An "I'm OK" doesn't really cut it with them. They are willing to ask the questions that I so desire to be asked when I try to hide behind my church-face facade. My wife didn't believe me when I told her how they strip off the protection we put up to hide our pain. She believes me now, having gone through that painful and difficult process. For me to open up took courage, for her to open up took risk. I was seeking to avoid looking at my problems, to let life rock on and that eventually my difficulties would be so far behind that they wouldn't affect me much. But that isn't possible for someone who wants to be close to the Johnson family. Their openness and straight talk don't allow for hiding.

Over the last six years I have had the priviledge and honor of having them speak into my life, in ways that I would never have allowed any one else to. And next Sunday will be the first Call I have ever been at where there is no Mark and Tracy. They have been called by God to a different path, at a different church. And although they are, and will be, a large part of my life, I am not sure how the Call will survive. They were the main reason I was there. The main reason alot of people were there.

My hope and prayer (as I keep mentally pacing) is that I can continue, for a short time, to give insight from my heart and Scripture to the singles in the Call. That God will use me, over the next 3 months or so, to give the members of the Call a smooth transition into the next phase of the ministry.

Mark and Tracy, you have left very large shoes to fill, and many hearts that will keep going to you for guidance and insight. May God bless you as you journey forward, and may He use you in more and better ways for His Glory.