On Sunday my family met at my parents house to celebrate my mom's birthday and to get together before Christmas because we would not be able to all be together for it. My family is not perfect. For a long time, I think, we tried to be. Or at least tried to look like it. But all of that has changed recently, for the better, and has shifted the mood of our gatherings. I can walk into their house and be more open and honest with everyone than I ever could when I lived there, I can see the troubles, the pain, the emotions running underneath the exterior. I have a younger sister who is pushing to find herself and what she is called to be. I have a younger brother who just wants to be connected to us, to me, more than anything. I have an older brother and his wife who share a dynamic far different than my wife and I, but they enjoy each other (and I think are feeling more free to do so around others). I have parents who have gone through a lot of drama, chaos and pain over the last few years, and can come out on the other side and see that truth is better than illusion (no matter how dangerous or different). And I have grandparents that impact each and every one of us differently (even if we don't get to see them as much as we would like).
My family is not perfect. There are issues and problems, conversations that still need to be had, tears to be shed, old wounds that need healing, new wounds that need attention. But it was nice seeing my family together and the difference a few years makes.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Hero
Skillet again "Hero"
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time
Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives
And we're not ready to die
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero, I've got a hero
Living in me
My wife calls me her hero. I have trouble accepting that title, because I struggle with who I am. To me a hero risks everything to rescue or save someone that would be lost without that effort, regardless of the past or future actions of the rescued. Heroes are never wanted, they are only needed. Hero is not a job description, it is choice, a decision. Options are not weighed, there is no pro-con list, no polling, no popular opinions. A hero risks simply because it needs to be done.
I struggle with the idea of having enough worth to God for Him to rescue me. "God, if you only realized what I was, You would not have done this for me." "God, you must have not noticed my life, the problems I have when you saved me." "Really, God? You are sure about this? I am so not worth it." I can write a pro-con list for God. It is pretty easy. The pro side is sparse to say the least. So goes my logic. My very flawed logic.
The problem in my reasoning is pretty simple. Isaiah 44:24a "Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, and the one who formed you from the womb..." God new me in the womb, created me, crafted me, saw who I was before I was, knew what I would become, who I could be, how He can use me. And He was my Redeemer then. At that moment, where the infinite past was present, He was my Savior, my rescuer, my Hero. His love for me does not stem from any action of mine, from any value I accumulate or waste away. There is no pro-con list. I was not a tough decision. He did not deliberate. He knew the moment He started weaving me together that I was valuable to Him. His actions make me worth it. My very creation is what lets me deserve His salvation. He is Creator-Redeemer for a reason, the two are inextricably linked. To remove one is to lose the picture of who He is, Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End.
At the moment of my creation, He knew I would need Him. Before I could imagine needing to be rescued, He rescued me. And fool that I am, I decide that I don't want Him. I, who need Him, need His grace every moment, come to the conclusion that I am ok on my own for the moment. And if/when my world collapses, I will want Him then. Laying on my back under a pile of rubble, or in a burning building, or caught in a raging flash flood, I try to cope, to survive on my own, until I can't control my life any more. I am the idiotic person who tries to resist the rescue.
So I come to the same conclusion again. I (the idiotic human) need to put Him (the all-knowing God of all that has ever existed) in control. See wasn't that easy?
To my wife: Thank you for needing a hero. And for letting me be your hero.
To my Lord: I exist because of You. I need no other value, no other worth than that. You sustain my life because You made it, and made it worth enough to save me. Remind me that You are my Hero when I forget.
I need a hero to save me now
I need a hero, save me now
I need a hero to save my life
A hero will save me just in time
Who's gonna fight for what's right?
Who's gonna help us survive?
We're in the fight of our lives
And we're not ready to die
Who's gonna fight for the weak?
Who's gonna make 'em believe?
I've got a hero, I've got a hero
Living in me
My wife calls me her hero. I have trouble accepting that title, because I struggle with who I am. To me a hero risks everything to rescue or save someone that would be lost without that effort, regardless of the past or future actions of the rescued. Heroes are never wanted, they are only needed. Hero is not a job description, it is choice, a decision. Options are not weighed, there is no pro-con list, no polling, no popular opinions. A hero risks simply because it needs to be done.
I struggle with the idea of having enough worth to God for Him to rescue me. "God, if you only realized what I was, You would not have done this for me." "God, you must have not noticed my life, the problems I have when you saved me." "Really, God? You are sure about this? I am so not worth it." I can write a pro-con list for God. It is pretty easy. The pro side is sparse to say the least. So goes my logic. My very flawed logic.
The problem in my reasoning is pretty simple. Isaiah 44:24a "Thus says the LORD, your Redeemer, and the one who formed you from the womb..." God new me in the womb, created me, crafted me, saw who I was before I was, knew what I would become, who I could be, how He can use me. And He was my Redeemer then. At that moment, where the infinite past was present, He was my Savior, my rescuer, my Hero. His love for me does not stem from any action of mine, from any value I accumulate or waste away. There is no pro-con list. I was not a tough decision. He did not deliberate. He knew the moment He started weaving me together that I was valuable to Him. His actions make me worth it. My very creation is what lets me deserve His salvation. He is Creator-Redeemer for a reason, the two are inextricably linked. To remove one is to lose the picture of who He is, Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End.
At the moment of my creation, He knew I would need Him. Before I could imagine needing to be rescued, He rescued me. And fool that I am, I decide that I don't want Him. I, who need Him, need His grace every moment, come to the conclusion that I am ok on my own for the moment. And if/when my world collapses, I will want Him then. Laying on my back under a pile of rubble, or in a burning building, or caught in a raging flash flood, I try to cope, to survive on my own, until I can't control my life any more. I am the idiotic person who tries to resist the rescue.
So I come to the same conclusion again. I (the idiotic human) need to put Him (the all-knowing God of all that has ever existed) in control. See wasn't that easy?
To my wife: Thank you for needing a hero. And for letting me be your hero.
To my Lord: I exist because of You. I need no other value, no other worth than that. You sustain my life because You made it, and made it worth enough to save me. Remind me that You are my Hero when I forget.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Lies and Love
This song came on on my Pandora radio station, it reached inside of me, grabbed the lies I believe and ripped them out. Skillet "Whispers in the Dark" Ignore the video, listen to the song and read the lyrics. It is not a real worship song, but it is impossible to deny the truth inside.
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses
I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is a burning, consuming fire
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay there broken and naked
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses
I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is a burning, consuming fire
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
As I sit here, eating my lunch, I re-acknowledge that the fears I have of His love, fear of losing it, fear of not measuring up, not being able to perform well enough, are not based on Him. My fears are founded in my selfish pride.
If I am in any way capable of deflecting, refusing, stopping, cutting off, or changing the love my God has for me, then I am setting myself far higher than I could ever truly be. It is not a mere whim that causes Him to love me, no random chance or choice of convenience. His very nature demands His love for us. He cannot deny who He is, or that He is love (1 John 4:8). The love He shows me, has shown me, will always show me, is an outpouring of who He is.
More to come on this later.
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses
I will be the one that's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is a burning, consuming fire
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay there broken and naked
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses
I will be the one that's gonna find you
I will be the one that's gonna guide you
My love is a burning, consuming fire
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes you know I'm never far
Hear the whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
Whispers in the dark
As I sit here, eating my lunch, I re-acknowledge that the fears I have of His love, fear of losing it, fear of not measuring up, not being able to perform well enough, are not based on Him. My fears are founded in my selfish pride.
If I am in any way capable of deflecting, refusing, stopping, cutting off, or changing the love my God has for me, then I am setting myself far higher than I could ever truly be. It is not a mere whim that causes Him to love me, no random chance or choice of convenience. His very nature demands His love for us. He cannot deny who He is, or that He is love (1 John 4:8). The love He shows me, has shown me, will always show me, is an outpouring of who He is.
More to come on this later.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Ambition
The greatest thing for us to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfill God’s purpose, not our own. In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own.
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 3rd.
I say I don't have ambitions. I declare myself dream-free, that the place, the condition, the state of being, in which I currently am is all that I need to achieve some sense of fulfillment or satisfaction. I call it being free, looking for what God wants in my life, not seeing the purpose I am supposed to have in the moment.
But the truth is that I fear myself.
I fear that in my self-contempt I will create a dream so meaningless and yet unreachable that I will spend a whole lifetime trying to fulfill a worthless dream. I shroud my shallow muzzle in the trappings of imitation righteousness, not completely false, but a misdirection, a feint. "If God has plans for me, I will take that as my dream." The words out of my mouth fail to cover the doubt shouting in my mind, "Failure is not an option, you know where the empty, broken dreams leave you. Protect yourself."
So here I sit, about to start a book study on the Journey of Desire, yet filled with a lack of the very thing I would love to claim to be an expert on. I am afraid that I will dream too much or dream too little. I ache for the lost ability to ask like a child asks a father. "Can I have a pony?" is as equally hard to say as "Can I have a gumball?". I fear that if I ask too much, desire too deeply, and have so badly missed what I was supposed to want that in the fulfilling of what truly will satisfy me, I am left looking for the one gift under the tree that I didn't get. And I fear the shame of asking for the temporal, the momentary, those fleeting accomplishments and gains that will not leave this world, just because I am supposed to want more.
What is more for me? In a vast sea of dreams, unending ocean of desires and ambitions, how do I know what more is? So I bitterly cling to the dry land, watching the waves come in, thinking that one of them is right, just not that one. Or that one. Or that one. And as time rocks along, and days turn into years, the waves look the same. After all, I can't just pick any wave. What if it is not for me? What if it is really meant for someone else to enjoy, to achieve?
Who am I kidding, the waves terrify me. Let the others play in the water, I will tell them I am ok where I am. That I like the dusty earth and hot sun, that more is for other people. I am tired of waiting, tired of watching. How do dreams start again?
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, August 3rd.
I say I don't have ambitions. I declare myself dream-free, that the place, the condition, the state of being, in which I currently am is all that I need to achieve some sense of fulfillment or satisfaction. I call it being free, looking for what God wants in my life, not seeing the purpose I am supposed to have in the moment.
But the truth is that I fear myself.
I fear that in my self-contempt I will create a dream so meaningless and yet unreachable that I will spend a whole lifetime trying to fulfill a worthless dream. I shroud my shallow muzzle in the trappings of imitation righteousness, not completely false, but a misdirection, a feint. "If God has plans for me, I will take that as my dream." The words out of my mouth fail to cover the doubt shouting in my mind, "Failure is not an option, you know where the empty, broken dreams leave you. Protect yourself."
So here I sit, about to start a book study on the Journey of Desire, yet filled with a lack of the very thing I would love to claim to be an expert on. I am afraid that I will dream too much or dream too little. I ache for the lost ability to ask like a child asks a father. "Can I have a pony?" is as equally hard to say as "Can I have a gumball?". I fear that if I ask too much, desire too deeply, and have so badly missed what I was supposed to want that in the fulfilling of what truly will satisfy me, I am left looking for the one gift under the tree that I didn't get. And I fear the shame of asking for the temporal, the momentary, those fleeting accomplishments and gains that will not leave this world, just because I am supposed to want more.
What is more for me? In a vast sea of dreams, unending ocean of desires and ambitions, how do I know what more is? So I bitterly cling to the dry land, watching the waves come in, thinking that one of them is right, just not that one. Or that one. Or that one. And as time rocks along, and days turn into years, the waves look the same. After all, I can't just pick any wave. What if it is not for me? What if it is really meant for someone else to enjoy, to achieve?
Who am I kidding, the waves terrify me. Let the others play in the water, I will tell them I am ok where I am. That I like the dusty earth and hot sun, that more is for other people. I am tired of waiting, tired of watching. How do dreams start again?
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