My Cerilene

I am really not a music person. I like to listen to music, it helps me relax or focus (depending on my mood), it lets me feel emotion without thinking about anything in particular. There are a few songs that I would consider extremely emotional. "Little Drummer Boy" heads that list, I cannot sing that song without wanting to cry. But also on that list is "Cerilene" by Sister Hazel. Here are the lyrics:

On final approach my brother and I, we were so sure
Knew exactly the plans we'd made and what we were here for
Didn't have a care in the world, got by day by day
Struggled with the plans we'd made who was I anyway
Workin' on both night and day, in a famous rock and roll cafe
Never thought I'd meet a girl for me
Never thought I'd meet a girl called Cerilene

Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams

Walked along the beach there hand in hand, it felt like a dream
But things that felt so good were never real or so it seemed
The magic that this girl possessed
Changed the heart of a child to a man (to a man)
Through the warmth of love his dreams and drive had direction again
A girl who strongly believes in me, and visions that we both could see
As one of my dreams, it came to an end
My life and love felt whole again

(Chorus)

I've grown to love this family, my friends
And this woman that I've found
Just as much as the family I left in a small, small Southern town
On a day the island breezes brought my loved ones here with me
We made our families one, I love you, oh I love you Cerilene

Cerilene, the road of life is dark without you
And I, I just can't see
Cerilene, share my life with me
We'll go together hand in hand and we'll fulfill our dreams
Cerilene, share my life with me, on this island oh, fulfill my dreams
Cerilene, oh Cerilene
Cerilene, (share my life, share my life with me)
Oh Cerilene

To M, my Cerilene: my greatest achievment, my crowning success is that I was smart enough to see you and man enough to get you. When you need me, I will be there, when life is dark, we will sit in the dark together, and when the road becomes smooth and easy, we will enjoy it together.

U-turn

Well, I have hit the wall. Yay. I have got the whole thing sorted out. Except that at this moment I am kinda forcing John 1 to flow. It just isn't working for me. So I am scrapping that. No more teaching from John. I am going to do Ezekiel. It has been on my heart for six years now. I need to do Z. So here we go.

(Why is it so hard to let God use me? I know He wants me to do this at some point, so why did I instantly want to go all philosophical and do some stuff that doesn't impact my heart as much? I love John 1 alot, and raising Lazarus, and some other stuff but it isn't me. My wife is right. I gotta teach from Z.)

Pacing

I spent 10 minutes pacing last night (while waiting for my wife) trying to sort out how to start the first message I am giving to the Call next Sunday. I know what I am going to say, how everything connects, but I am still working out how to start it.

I joined the Call my freshman year at college. My brother had been involved in it (to a small degree) and had lent Mark Johnson (the singles Pastor over the Call) one of my swords for a visual aid. So before I even attended, the man in charge knew who I was. I joined a Forum of Four that first year, and got to know some guys pretty well.

As the years progressed I got more involved. I started going to Guys Night/Community Group at Mark and Tracy's house. I played softball and basketball for Wayside Chapel and even started going to Sunday worship and classes. My social life was centered in the Call. I didn't hang with people from college, except when a project required it. I eventually pulled out of working with the benevolence ministry I had been a part of for 7 years. And I became more focused on what God was doing with me and in me.

Mark does not excell at large scale teaching. He is solid as a speaker, gives good insight and keeps everyone's attention, but I feel that he only did it because it was in the job description. Mark and Tracy are heart seekers. In a casual group setting they can get rather introverted people like me to open up and share about our lives. Our darkest moments and our brightest days are welcomed and protected in the environments they create.

One on one they cut through the crap in our lives, rejecting the trite and easy answers about who we are and how we are doing. An "I'm OK" doesn't really cut it with them. They are willing to ask the questions that I so desire to be asked when I try to hide behind my church-face facade. My wife didn't believe me when I told her how they strip off the protection we put up to hide our pain. She believes me now, having gone through that painful and difficult process. For me to open up took courage, for her to open up took risk. I was seeking to avoid looking at my problems, to let life rock on and that eventually my difficulties would be so far behind that they wouldn't affect me much. But that isn't possible for someone who wants to be close to the Johnson family. Their openness and straight talk don't allow for hiding.

Over the last six years I have had the priviledge and honor of having them speak into my life, in ways that I would never have allowed any one else to. And next Sunday will be the first Call I have ever been at where there is no Mark and Tracy. They have been called by God to a different path, at a different church. And although they are, and will be, a large part of my life, I am not sure how the Call will survive. They were the main reason I was there. The main reason alot of people were there.

My hope and prayer (as I keep mentally pacing) is that I can continue, for a short time, to give insight from my heart and Scripture to the singles in the Call. That God will use me, over the next 3 months or so, to give the members of the Call a smooth transition into the next phase of the ministry.

Mark and Tracy, you have left very large shoes to fill, and many hearts that will keep going to you for guidance and insight. May God bless you as you journey forward, and may He use you in more and better ways for His Glory.